One Day At A Time

I tried...

2005-09-14T01:51:00.000-05:00

I tried to go to sleep tonight. Alas it eludes me. I can't help thinking of my cousin Mike. How cute he was as a kid. What a fat baby he was. All the times I tormented him as a kid. Playing with him. Cuddling him as a baby on my lap. That is about all I can remember of him. I haven't seen him in a long time.

I got a letter from my Aunt today informing me that Mike has passed away this July. I had a good cry about it, called my dad to tell him about it, we were shocked together on the phone.

I have lost so many family members over my life time. Starting with Uncle David, then we stopped talking to the rest of the family for a while. Then my mom died, then we really lost touch with everyone. Nobody's fault really. I just get emotional when I think of family.

I never thought that I would gain a family when my dad remarried. But they have taken me in and made me feel welcome. And for that I am glad. I was a wreck when they got married. I remember that vividly. I never thought my dad would get remarried. I am glad that he did. I really like Debbie and they are happy together. Still I can't help wondering if he misses mom at all. I sure do. I wish she was around to share stuff with. Debbie can never take the place of her.

It was nice to hear from my aunt today even if it was bad news. I havn't seen her in over 7 years. Maybe longer, I can't remember. I sent her an email since that was the only contact info that she gave me, other then my cousin Michelle's phone number (whom I am calling tomorrow from dad's house - pesky thing not having log distance service on my phone).

Where has all my family gone?

Well anyway... enough of that. Archon draws nearer and nearer. I had so many things I wanted to make to sell for it, but I am finding that I was being over ambitious. So I am going to just make 2 skirts to start with and go from there. I will make more pieces as I have time. There are only 2 weeks left though. Yipes! I am really excited about Archon this year. Of course I say that every year. I look forward to it cause I get to see people that I only see once a year there. Like Cat and Dave, and Cara and Timmy, oh and Jack (my "old" man hehehehe). :) Although hopefully I will be seeing more of Cara this year. We have been talking through YIM.

We have so many shirts made to sell this year. OMG... I have cut out 20 of them so far. And Karen has caught up to me. So I have 3 more to cut out then I am done. LOL... So much work to do so little time.

I started reading the "Sandman" series from Neil Gaimen. So far I love it. They do a Mid Summers Night Dream" issue that was just awesome. Karen has them in 10 volumes , hardbound. What a great series. Basically it is about Morphious (sp?) who is the Lord of Dreams. It follows him through many centuries, and shows how he helps people and hurts them. It is a neat concept. And a great story. Oh and his sister Death is a Goth chick. LOL. I love her!

Ah well I am off to read some more and to try to settle my brain. Night all.

Just an update...

2005-09-02T12:20:00.000-05:00

I finally got my settlement from an accident that I was in 3 years ago. I ended up buying a serger and a bunch of fabric to make skirts and a dress for Archon (to sell). I still haven't started on them even though I only have a month to go. I am terrified of these machines. LOL. I will have to get over it this week or I won't make my deadline. I am planning on making a bunch of Sci-Fi inspired clothing. I hope they turn out ok.

I made my first button up shirt today. I am almost finished with it. I just have the button holes to do and then the buttons themselves. Other then that it looks like a shirt. :) I am very happy with the way it turned out, although there are mistakes (they aren't visible though) it looks great. I can't wait to get it finished next week and get it to my dad. Then I have to make Debbie's (my stepmom) dress. That will be pretty easy though. At least after the shirt. Then I decided to make everyone clothing for Christmas so I will have to start all that when Archon is over. I might be being really ambitious about all this, but it is worth a try.

I am really looking forward to Archon this year. No particular reason, but it should be fun. I am looking forward to seeing friends that I only get to see once a year at this convention. I of course will have lots of pictures again.

I have been felling a little depressed and unmotivated lately. Just a cycle I guess. My birthday is coming up this month and I always feel yucky as that gets closer. I missed my doctor's appointment for August... Oops. I will have to reschedule for this month. No big deal I guess. I don't really like him any way. I don't deal with change well. Reading about my friend Chasmyn's new family has been a cheering experience though, and I have my dresses to look forward to this coming week. If only I can get motivated to actually do them. *Crosses Fingers*

Life with Ran is still really weird. He has been getting worse since we moved in here. I am beginning to feel like this was a really bad idea. It is too late now though. He isn't talking to me right now cause I took it upon myself to ask our friend Phil if he could do something for Ran. *sigh* I never expected that it would be this bad. He isn't functioning right now. He keeps talking about moving and living on the street. I keep telling him that if he does decide to bail that he has to find a replacement for himself. I don't know what to think. He wont go to the doctor. He wont let me help him with money management (I think that money is the root of his problem). I don't know what to do. I am just tired all the time.

Oh well whining over. I just finished reading the Narnia series and found out that there is a movie coming out in December. I can't wait to see it. :) We say the Brothers Grimm last night and let me tell you if you haven't seen it you should. It was awesome. Creepy, funny, adventurous, just what a Terry Gilliam movie should be.

I still look forward to my days with Karen. We are back to doing just twice a week now. I was putting together out mock up corsets today, as well as finishing my Dad's shirt. I really look forward to going over there. It gets my away from the house for the day and I love spending time with Karen so it's cool. We just watch movies and sew. LOL. What a life.

Well that is about all I am up to. I will try to post about the dresses and skirts as I finish them. I am updated out. LOL. :)

TTFN!

One More Friday Night....

2005-07-30T01:01:00.000-05:00

Well, I met my new doctor today. He's ok. Asked all the pertinent question like: Do I get messages from the radio or TV, or do I still see stuff moving around... You know all the questions to ascertain whether or not I am crazy. LOL. Well I don't get messages from the TV or Radio, but I do still see stuff moving around. Hehehehe...

So anyway he was pretty ok. I guess I can get along with him. I will only have him for a year, then I can switch back to my old doctor when he goes into private practice. :)

Sci-fi Friday was tonight. The lineup is Stargate SG1, Stargate Atlantis, then Battlestar Galactica. I like where they are going with Atlantis, plus they introduced a great looking guy in the form of a new character tonight. Dreamy hippie boy. I am not sure how I feel about where they are going with SG1. It is really religious. But I will keep watching cause I am a loyal fan and have been with them since the beginning 8 seasons ago. Yes we are on season 9 now. :) And of course Galactica just ROCKS!

I am feeling really anxious tonight and I can't figure out why. I am restless and stressed out. I have no idea what brought this on. Hmmmm... *shrug* I am also feeling really lonely tonight. As I sit here listening to my music and making mixed lists for the party we are going to have in September I am feeling really lonesome. So I am anxious about something, restless, and lonely. Not a good combination. Hopefully I will be able to sleep tonight. I probably shouldn't have had that last soda at 11pm this evening. I have 2 20 ounces earlier. So I am pretty wired. I just couldn't help myself. We went to the coffee house. Ack! Oh well at least I didn't get espresso or something. Then I would be up all night.

I found out that I lost my dress that I made. I think I left it at the hotel in Philly. :( So I have to call them on Monday and see if they have it. *fingers crossed* I have also been thinking of all the important things I have lost over the years. Like family photos, favorite clothes, books, cd's, all kinds of stuff just scattered to the winds. It really makes me sick thinking about it.

I don't want to be sick. I want to be normal and live normally. I want to earn a living with something that I enjoy doing and get off of disability. :( That's the only thing that is keeping me afloat right now though. Without it I couldn't pay my bills and I would be out on the street or in the hospital.

I had a dream the other night that I was in a group home. It scared the shit out of me. That is the place that I will have to go if I can't make my life work out as it is. It is a scary thought. Living with one crazy person is bad enough but to have to live in a housefull of them would be bad beyond words. The shelter was bad enough. And I was there for a year. Living with 30 other women and then 10 other women in the transitional housing. No privacy, always having to wait for someone else to be done eating or showering or going to the bathroom. It really made me appreciate my privacy. It also made me really good with my money. I realized that I had hit rock bottom, and I never want to be there again. Ever. I have learned to be self sufficient finally. It only took 28 years. Now the trick is maintaining this self sufficiency.

I am hanging on pretty good. But if I have another episode like last year I don't know what I am going to do. There is something to be said about proper medication and even ECT. I think it really helped. I am not sure I would have been able to pull out of the depression last year without it. At least not as quickly. I still have memory problems. I ran into a girl that I apparently know from the gaming shop and had no clue who she was. I felt so bad. I think I did a pretty good job of lying that I remembered her though. We talked for a while. I have the problem a lot. I forget names and faces all the time. I also apparently forget appointments and things like that. I have to write everything down. That is the only drawback that I can see though.

It's been a long road to where I am. I have been mentally ill all of my life. It has only been in the past 3 years that I have gotten help with it though. I have never been stable. So this new found stability is good. I am holding on to it really hard though. I mostly just get anxious and a little depressed these days. The days of crying all the time seem to be gone. Mostly I just get nostalgic and melancholy.

I am hoping to try school again in the spring. I think if I take like 2 classes I will be able to handle it. I have to get my GPA up so that I can transfer somewhere to get my degree in wither costuming of fashion design. I want to learn how to draft patterns. That is many years away though. For now I am learning from Karen and picking stuff up on my own. I bought a serger yesterday with the settlement money that I got. I also bought a bunch of fabric. I have a few projects in mind to make for Archon. A Space invaders patchwork dress, a paneled skirt with the gate address for Atlantis around the bottom, and a paneled skirt with the original star trek emblems around the bottom. I hope they turn out ok. I am really excited about all three. So I will be a busy bee over the next few months. Now if only I can get myself motivated to actually make them. Heh.

I started working on my website from which I hope to sell my clothing from someday. It is turning out really well so far. I am noticing a theme with my website lately though. Black and purple. Oh well it works. I like purple and black a lot. So I go with what works. I will keep you posted when it is up and running. I hope that by October I will have something to put up there. :)

Anywho... I am off to bed now. I feel loads better from getting things off my chest. Someday I will write down the whole story. But until then I am content to write it in pieces. Nighty night world. As my mother used to say: I go off to sleep in the arms of Morpheus.

Back Again...

2005-07-21T23:09:00.000-05:00

Well I survived Philly. We got back on the 4th of July. The wedding was wonderful, and so was the reception. I got to see everyone and meet a few newcomers to the family. I managed to hold it together until Sunday, then I had an emotional crash. I feel really bad about that but it was to be expected. I just got overwhelmed.

I did get to have a Philly cheese steak and a couple of Philly soft pretzels. So all in all it was a good trip. Although I don't think I will be going anywhere anytime soon. I like being home.

I got a call from my lawyer this week. He said that I am getting my settlement from the accident that we were in 3 years ago. It's not much after doctor bills are paid from that accident but it is something. I am planning on buying a serger and some fabric so that I can make a few dresses for Archon this year. And of course I am going to save the rest for a rainy day. :)

I am really looking forward to getting my serger. I can finally start sewing for real. I think that will be good for me to turn out some clothing to sell at the con. The first one I want to make is the Space Invaders dress. I cant wait to see how it turns out. Of course I may not be able to part with it. LOL.

Ran and I had our first fight the other day. I came in from running errands, and said "Hi. Man, it's fucking hot out there." He just sat there looking at the TV like he didn't hear me. So I went into the back and dropped off my stuff in my room and came back out, and very quietly asked if he wasn't talking to me or something. He blew up at me. I am talking full out screaming. So I disappeared into the back and took a shower and cried a bit. Then I decided to write him a letter since he obviously couldn't talk to me. I basically told him that I wasn't trying to "bust his chops" as he so eloquently put it. I told him that we have to live together and that I was sorry if he is feeling bad and has been for weeks now but that didn't give him the right to take it out on me. I said some other stuff also, but I don't remember what all I wrote in the letter. So I wrote his name on the front and put to read it not to rip it up and came out and gave it to him. Then I went into my room and read for a while. When I came back out he apologized.

I know he is sick, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with him. I wish he could learn that we are here for him and that he is not alone. He doesn't have to go through life alone. I am seriously starting to regret moving in with him, but I know we can make this work. We have to make this work. And he has to understand that I have my problems also. Perhaps I am not as broken as he is, and I have some of the skills I need to deal with my illness, but I need to know that there are people there for me as well.

Maybe I should call this blog how to deal with depressed and psychotic people. I don't know that seems like all I write about. I guess that's not really true, but it is such a big part of my life. It's just nice to have somewhere to vent my emotions and thoughts. So bear with me folks.

Did I mention that it is hot as Hades in St. Louis now. Summer has come. And it is muggy and miserable. I want to move to Maine. LOL. Just kidding. I just hate this month long stretch that they call the "Dog Days of Summer". We still don't have and A/C unit for the living room so it has been a contest to see just how little we can move. For the most part I am in good spirits though. Meds must be working nicely. Ran on the other hand (as I mentioned before) is not dealing with the heat well. His temper has been running hot. I guess that's why he blew up the other day.

So I guess that pretty much brings up up to date. I am done bitching for the evening and I think I am going to go watch "History Of The World: Part I". Nighty night all.

Wow...

2005-06-29T01:05:00.000-05:00

Two posts in the same week. That has to be a first. :P

I am leaving for Philly in 3 days. I am kind of nervous and excited all at the same time. My cousin Jen is getting married. I haven't seen the family for at least 6 years. The last time I talked to any of them was when I was in the hospital. My Aunt Judy called me to see how I was doing. I am looking forward to seeing everyone again. And it is a happy reunion with the wedding and all. :)

I really miss having family around. We have never been a close family, but before my aunt lived right down the street from us. When I was little we were over there all the time. Then the family split, and we didn't see them anymore. Recently they have gotten closer, but now we live 17 hours away.

A few years ago I would have done anything to move back east, but now my friends are here and so is my dad. Jason is thinking about moving back to LA. I will miss him very much. We have gotten really close over the last few years. But it is what he feels is best for him. So another one moves away. :( Good luck to him.

I would love to go back east. But on my disability I just can't afford it. St. Louis is nice and cheap to live in. I would have a closet in Philly for what we pay for a 2 bedroom apartment here. *sigh* Maybe I will find a nice rich man someday. LOL. Right. Or win the lottery. Of course if that happens I am moving to Ireland not Philly. :P

I have been noticing lately that I can express my mood with music. (not mine but other peoples) Like tonight it's "Boulevard Of Broken Dreams" by Green Day... Here are the Lyrics:

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah
Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I walk alone
I walk a...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...

I am feeling rather nostalgic and sentimental tonight. I guess it's because I am heading back east on Friday. I have been wondering what my old friends are up too these days. I have no way of getting ahold of any of them any more. Oh well. *sigh*

I need to get out more. Like Out Out... not just to my friend's houses to watch TV. I am really lonely.

After a long break...

2005-06-26T23:52:00.000-05:00

Well we finally moved. All of my stuff got moved without a hitch on the 3rd of June. All that stress for nothing. Ran was the first person to show up that day. LOL. So we are sort of unpacked. Been putting it off. I figure we have the rest of our lives to unpack. Plus it's been too hot to do much of anything other than sit still in front of the TV.

I finally got an A/C unit for my bedroom. My dad and stepmom decided to get me an early birthday present. YAY! So at least I can sleep in the cool air at night. Waking up today was really nice. Now we just have to get a unit for the living room and we will be all set. Ran says he is going to see about buying one with this months paycheck. So hopefully that will work out. :) Would be nice to use the computer during the day again.

Mostly I watch TV all day and then go sit in the A/C at the coffee house downstairs. It is really convenient. And thanks to the owner and her musical tastes I have finally identified this song that makes me really happy to hear and really sad to hear. Yes kids its another song that I really identify with. (Not that there aren't hundreds of them) I have been trying to figure out who did this one for a while ever since I heard it on CSI. Turns out it is on the Shrek Soundtrack and it is sung by Rufus Wainwright and it was originally written by Leonard Cohen. The song is Hallelujah. Here are the lyrics. If you have never heard this version of it you should check it out. It makes me cry sometimes. (In a good way though).

Hallelujah

I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe I've been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you let me know
What's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you?
The holy dark was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above
And all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
Its a cold and its a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I also recently discovered a Romanian band called O-Zone. They are really cool. So far my favorite from them is called "Dragostea din tei". It is kind of club music. But it rocks! Definitely a must check out. The album is called "DiscO-Zone" and is available through Amazon as an import. They rock!

I finally got the rest of my Cure collection and Forty Licks from the Rolling Stones. I now have a copy of "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by the Stones. So I am very happy about that. The church organ version is on the Big Chill sountrack, but the song itself isn't on there. I now own everything that the Cure did studio wise. :) Music is awesome. I hope I can afford to buy a couple of more albums this coming month. I really want to get the Dead Milkmen and Janice Joplin's boxed set. Very expensive though. Hopefully I can find it used at Vintage Vinyl. I don't know if they will have Dead Milkmen. They weren't as big here as they were on the East Coast. We will see though.

Karen and I started working again. I have been cutting out Ren dresses all week. I can't wait to see them put together. We have a red and gold tapestry fabric with gold fabric accents for the sleeves and inset skirt. It is a dress like the one Dru Barrymore wore in Ever After. I think it is going to be gorgeous. We are doing a black goth empire waist dress with black mesh sleeves that have been embroidered with pink flowers and green vines. Also we are doing a Green Satin with black velvet roses, and Blue tapestry and light blue satin dress. I can't wait to see how they turn out. I will try to get pictures when they are done. We are cutting out tones of shirts for Archon and making mock corsets with just the ticking in all of the sizes we offer so that people have something to try on and then they can order them with the fabric of their choice. :) Gearing up for a busy summer.

Plus I still have to make Debbie's dress and my dad's shirt. I want to make patchwork curtains for the house as I can afford fabric. I want to make Space Invader curtains for the computer room and random patchwork curtains to the living room. Plus curtains for the rest of the house. Busy busy busy. :P Oh and another dress for my self. I solved the problem of not having a serger to finish the seams. Karen bought me a pair of pinking sheers which will keep my raw edges from fraying. I can't wait to get started. Just have to unpack in my room to clear some space. :P

My mood has been pretty stable lately. Not really depressed but not really happy either. About normal for me. I am thinking about getting a part time job. Just like 2 days a week somewhere to give me something to do. I just can't figure out where I want to work yet. Ideally I want to work in a fabric store, but none of them are accessible by bus. So I guess a gas station will do. No restaurant work for me, although there are tons around where we live. Too stressful. It's looking like 7-11 is going to be the place that I choose. Oh well it is something. :P

Well that brings us up to speed. :)

Moving Blues

2005-05-27T00:42:00.000-05:00

I am so stressed out tonight about moving next week. My tummy is churning so bad over this whole thing. I have no idea if anyone is going to help next weekend. And I have no idea how we are going to do this by ourselves. I also found out that next weekend is the Pagan Picnic. I promised Karen months ago that I would work the booth with her. I never did get the date for it though. So it turns out that when I told her we had recruited her husband to help next week that the picnic is next weekend also. I have no idea what I am going to do. I have to have the utilities turned on at the other place next weekend and off here. Which means that I can't stay here. I am sick over this. I just don't know what to do. I have to move, and I have to help out. *this is the part where I cry*

I think I am just going to have to tell her that I have to move my stuff over there in the morning and that I can meet them there later in the day.

Well I just put out an email asking for help for Saturday so I guess I have made up my mind. I am moving instead of working. No choice. I feel better. I will help them on Sunday, and maybe Saturday afternoon if we get done in time. Sorry Karen. This is more important I think. Why do I still feel like crap? Cause I am felling guilty. It is part of my illness I guess. I always feel guilty when I have to go back on my word for something. God it hurts!

Did I say that I am stressed out? This whole thing is stressing me out. I don't deal well with stress. And now I have to worry about whether or not Ran is going to be able to get out of bed next Saturday and get over here to load up the truck. That is stressful to. He isn't always the most reliable person.

Ok I am just digging myself in further. I am going to stop while I am ahead and fall back on a tried and true destresser. That's right folks I am going to watch Dirty Dancing.

Night.

Moving

2005-05-20T23:54:00.000-05:00

Well I have decided to get an apartment with my friend Ran. (Just a friend, hehehe) Anyway. We are going to put the deposit on the place This coming Wednesday and will be moving in on the 3rd of June.

It is a cute, clean two bedroom apartment in South City right by my favorite coffee house. It should be cool. I will have to post pictures of it when we get the keys. :) For now here is a layout. It is by no means to scale, or very accurate, but you'll get the idea.

I am a little nervous about moving in with Ran, but we both think that it will work out. (*Crosses fingers*) It's more space for both of us although I will end up spending more money a month by doing it. Only about 20 bucks more though, so that is doable. :) I really hope it works out though cause if not we are both screwed.

Well on another note. EverQuest is going well. I am level 12 now. I took a break from leveling my adventure levels to level my crafting which is at 11 now. Although I still can't make anything but crude furniture. Bummer. :( Oh well. I almost got my but kicked tonight before I left to go out. I got mobbed by a bunch of creatures on the main continent and had to make a run for the guards. Who of course took care of the small mob for me. hehehehe.

I also discovered NeoPets yesterday. Very cute. Here is a picture of Norman42. My Techo pet.

I like the NeoPets thing. It is really cute and had amusing games to play on the site. You can buy toys and stuff to interact with your pet with the points that you earn by playing games. Don't know how long it will keep my attention but it is cool for now.

That is about all that is new these days. Like I said I will post pics of the apartment when we move in. Hopefully we can get help moving.

I've Been Tagged

2005-05-14T14:31:00.000-05:00

I have been tagged by Sharon for a meme. So here is mine. :) I had to pick 5 of the following jobs and write what I would do for each.

If I could be a scientist If I could be a farmer
If I could be a musician If I could be a doctor
If I could be a painter If I could be a gardener
If I could be a missionary If I could be a chef
If I could be an architect If I could be a linguist
If I could be a psychologist If I could be a librarian
If I could be an athlete If I could be a lawyer
If I could be an innkeeper If I could be a professor
If I could be a writer If I could be a backup dancer
If I could be a llama-rider If I could be a bonnie pirate
If I could be a midget stripper If I could be a proctologist
If I could be a TV-Chat Show host If I could be an actor
If I could be a judge If I could be a JediIf I could be a mob boss
If I could be a backup singerIf I could be a CEO
If I could be a movie reviewer If I could be a monkeys uncle

If I could be a musician I would learn a whole bunch of Irish songs on my violin and dazzle my friends at campouts.

If I could be a linguist I would translate ancient dialects and be just like Daniel Jackson on Stargate.

If I could be a librarian I would make sure that there was a phenomenal selection of Science Fiction and craft books at my library.

If I could be a writer I would write the definitive Sci-Fi/fantasy series to beat all that came before.

If I could be an Innkeeper I would make sure to serve Guinness on tap and have the nicest beds in the world.

I am also supposed to tag 3 people but I don't know 3 people who read my blog with blogs of their own. So It dies here with me. Sorry guys.

Something Fun

2005-04-30T15:39:00.000-05:00

I found something fun today. What type of English do you speak. Here are my results. :)

Your Linguistic Profile:

50% General American English

30% Yankee

10% Dixie

10% Upper Midwestern

0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Shows That Make Me Emotional

2005-04-21T23:35:00.000-05:00

Well I just got done watching "CSI" and "Without A Trace" and I must say WAAAAAAAH!

CSI was really emotional tonight. It was about Brass' daughter Ellie. And at the end he leaves her a little present that he bought in the beginning for her and a card that read:

"Ellie,

When you are ready I will make it happen.

Dad"

It was a card for a rehab clinic. Made me cry. OMG then I get a double whammy when
Without A Trace" aired. It was about a little girl who gets pregnant, runs away and has her baby in an office be herself, and then they find her at the pool in her school... with the baby. They are ok... it was really touching. and for a lot of reasons really hit home. It made me cry... I actually got misty eyed. Now that is good Drama!

I remember being 17 and scared half to death what my mother and father would do if they found out I was pregnant. It was a month before I told them and probably would have been longer if it hadn't been for my guidance counselor at school. I told the assistant principal about it. And I assume she told my guidance counselor. That is the only way it could have gone down. So Anyway, It was the day before Christmas break and my mom was coming to pick me up for a hair appointment. She came to school and said that she had gotten a call from my guidance counselor (whom I had talked to once when I took the placement tests when we first moved here my junior year). She said that he wanted to meet with us. So we had to go to his office and we just sat there. And he says "I think you have something to tell you mom, don't you?" I was mortified. So my mom all of a sudden blurts out "Oh my God. Your pregnant aren't you?" I was crying by this point and said "Yes."

So then we left school and got in the car. She told me not to talk to her because she was in shock. So we went home instead of to the hair appointment and waited for my father to come home. He seemed to take it a lot better then my mom did. I don't remember what his reaction was or what he said just that he was a lot calmer about it then my mother was. It took about 2 weeks for her to talk to me again. When she did it was to tell me that she had scheduled a doctors appointment for me and to ask what I wanted to do about it. I told her that I couldn't get an abortion or anything like that but I also knew that I couldn't keep it. So I asked about adoption.

We also decided that I would graduate from high school in January instead of waiting until June when I would be showing. So I made up the half of credit that I was missing to graduate be correspondence and left it at that. The next 8 months went pretty smoothly at home. I was on a much longer leash then I was before. They let me go out all the time and stay out all the time. I thought that was pretty cool.

When I told Marshal (the daddy) that I was pregnant he was like well what do you want me to do about it? I said nothing.

When we decided to go with adoption through the Cradle Society in Evanston, Illinois, the social worker contacted Marshal and his parents again to inform them of my decision. His mom wanted to be part of the process, but I said no. That the had no say in anything that I wanted to do. So the social worker brought me the profiles of three couples and told me that if I didn't like any of those that I could choose from three more until I found one that I liked. But David and Laura just popped out at me. Perhaps it was because they had a daughter that they had adopted 4 years before that. (I always wanted brothers and sisters, I was adopted also from the Cradle) I am not really sure they just seemed like everything that I wanted for my kid.

Then I was late to deliver so they were going to induce labor on August 22. 1994. So I went to a Steve Miller concert on Saturday night and went into labor on Sunday morning the 21st of August, all by myself. So we had to drive to Belleville Memorial in Illinois, since I had to have him there in order for the adoption to be able to go across state lines. (There are all kinds of laws to prevent that apparently) Then we got there at about 11 am and they put me in a room to get ready. Then at 11:45 the nurse says that she will be right back and not to push and I yelled that I couldn't stop... So she runs to get the doctor whom I have never met and they prepped me real quick and at 12:15 there was a baby. Then they showed him to me and I started to cry, then they knocked me out with valium. When I woke up it was dark and a nurse was trying to get me up to go to the bathroom.

The next morning they brought him in with a bottle and asked if I wanted to feed him. So I held him and couldn't get him to eat. My dad came in at about 8 am on his way up to Decatur for business. He had a suit on, and he held Christian and got him to eat, then Chris threw up on him. After he left my mom came to visit. We had to learn how to put on a cloth diaper. What an adventure. Then I was released from the hospital. They kept Christian there. On Tuesday we went to visit him again and stayed the day. The on Wednesday the social worker came from the Cradle to sign the adoption papers. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. To let him go. I signed and they took him back to Chicago that afternoon.

I used to get letters from David and Laura with updates. But then they stopped sending stuff. And I lost the album in one of my moves when I was sick. I regret that greatly. But there is nothing that I can do about that now. It makes me sick sometimes that I lost that. I want to call the cradle and see if they will get a letter to David and Laura for me. To tell them about myself and see if they can send me an update. But I just don't know what to say to them. *shrug*

Danny (That's what they named him) will be 11 this August.

The YMCA

2005-04-19T21:16:00.000-05:00

Well I joined the YMCA up the street on Friday. I signed up for a couple of classes, then had to drop one of them because I found out it was an advanced class. There is no way I am ready for an advanced pilates class. I havn't worked out for 15 years. Ugh! Anyway. I had my first aerobics class yersterday. It was a mild water aerobics class. I actually had a good time. Everyone was really nice and the instructor was really patient, although the exercizes were pretty easy to pick up on. I felt really good after the class and am looking forward to tomorrow's class. :)

The facilities over there are really nice also. The building was built on 2000 and has all new equipment and a really nice (but over chlorinated) pool. I can't wait to get my goggles so that I can start swimming laps there. My dad said that he would look to see if he had an extra pair at the house I could have rather then having to spend 20 bucks for a new pair. *crosses fingers* I didn't really wander around the Y at all to check everything out since I was running late for my class when I got there and still had to change. I plan on giving myself a tour next week. :)

They seem to have a running/walking track that rings the workout area. I am guessing that it is an 1/8th mile track but can't tell for sure. The workout equipment looks really nice and I look forward to using the treadmill and the track. There are free aerobics classes in the morning that I want to take, but I just can't seem to get up before one o'clock these days. And it takes me a couple of hours to get going. Hmmm... must change this. I really want to go workout during the non peak hours if I can just get up to do it. My water aerobics class is at 5:45PM which is perfect. Now if I could just get up in the morning for the step class that is free. All in good time I guess, all in good time. I don't even hear the phone ring in the morning, so I certainly won't hear an alarm go off. I am willing to try though.

I was reading about my medication and discovered that I may have developed several side effects from them. Like menopausal symptoms including no period, and some other stuff. So now I have to discuss these problems with my MALE shrink. At least he is pretty cool about stuff... hmmm... I am really nervous that I have developed some pretty severe problems because of the risperdal that I am on. But no use worrying until I talk to him next month I guess.

In the mean time I can honestly tell him that I kept up my end of the bargain we made at my last appointment. I joind the Y and started classes there. I feel good about that. I actually accomplished something. :) Now I just have to clean my house by next Thursday for my home visit from my social workers. ACK! OMG! I am so freaking out about this. hehehe. I shouldn't. If I would just do it it would take a couple of hours to do and that is all. Well maybe I will tackle it this week instead of waitning until the last minute. Like that will happen. hehehe. Oh well...

Another Dave Barry Column

2005-04-11T17:33:00.000-05:00

Posted on Sun, Apr. 10, 2005

A watchdog never drops his guard -- except during dessert

BY DAVE BARRY

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on June 6, 1999.)

Today's topic is: Home Security. Recently, my wife and I went to the home of some friends for a dinner party involving three couples and numerous pets.

Our hosts are fond of animals: They have a big herd of turtles living in a decorative pond outside, and three dogs patrolling inside.

Actually, one of the dogs is only slightly more mobile than a shrub; he's around 47,000 years old in dog years and totally blind. He may in fact be medically dead. But dogs don't get all mopey over physical disabilities.

This particular dog still maintains a productive routine, which consists of every now and then getting to his feet (this takes about an hour) and wandering around until he bumps into something, which he sniffs. If he thinks it might be food, he tries to eat it; if it bites back, he knows it's one of the other dogs.

The two younger dogs are more active; their job is to wait for people to come to the door, then bark loudly and angrily to communicate the fact that, based on their extensive experience as dogs, the people at the door are bad and somebody should bite them. Dogs are deeply suspicious of anybody using a door.

Even if, when the door is opened, it turns out that the people standing there know the dogs, and in fact live in the house, the dogs will sometimes continue barking at them for a few seconds, in case it's some kind of trick. Dogs behave this way because they are extremely vigilant (I am using ''vigilant'' in the sense of ``stupid'').

I have some friends named Libby and Buzz who have a small, nervous dog named Elmo who is so vigilant that he would be classified, on the scale of animal intelligence, in the category of ``mineral.''

Elmo and Buzz have lived in the same house for several years now, but every time Buzz walks into a room where Elmo is on duty, Elmo reacts as though Buzz is an entire urban street gang, barking, growling and running around in small, alarmed circles to let Libby know that Buzz is bad and she should bite him (she rarely does). After maybe 15 minutes, Elmo starts to remember who Buzz is, and he calms down.

But if Buzz leaves the room for, say, 10 seconds, all the current drains out of Elmo's mental battery, and when Buzz returns, YIKES! RED ALERT!, Elmo goes off again, like a small, furry, defective car alarm. It is not a quiet household. But by gosh it is a SECURE household, thanks to Elmo's vigilance.

But getting back to my story: We were having a nice dinner in our friends' home, and during this dinner one of the dogs kept going to a window and growling. We paid no attention, because dogs are always growling -- maybe at the Moon, maybe at the turtles, maybe at the Federal Reserve Board -- who can say?

After dinner, all of us, including the dogs, went into another room to have dessert and watch the Miami Heat play an important basketball game. Actually, the women watched the game; the men actively controlled the outcome by shouting at the screen. The dogs watched the dessert.

Through skillful team shouting, we men won the game, and everybody agreed it had been a pleasant evening. Then the women discovered that their purses, which had been in the kitchen, were gone. While we'd been shouting at the TV, a burglar had sneaked in and stolen them. He'd obviously been watching us through the window. The growling dog had been telling us this.

When we discovered the burglary, different people reacted in different ways. Some called the police; others smoked cigarettes, even though they have technically quit. I decided to go outside and look around the yard for clues. Perhaps I would even find the perpetrator! Then, drawing on my prowess in the martial arts, I would wet my pants.

I was called back into the house by my wife, who had been informed by the police dispatcher that, by wandering around out in the dark, I was being really, really vigilant. The police came quickly. Needless to say, the dogs barked at them. (The young dogs, I mean; the dead dog merely checked to see if they were food.)

We later concluded that the reason the dogs did NOT bark at the burglar was that (a) they were busy watching the dessert, and (b) the burglar came in through the window, which apparently is not a violation of dog security rules. The next day, the purses were found a few miles away, minus cash but still containing credit cards, drivers' licenses, makeup, tissues, pharmaceuticals, espresso machines, power tools and whatever else women keep in their purses. So it could have been a lot worse.

And we can all learn some valuable lessons from this episode about home security, namely: 1. We should lock our doors AND windows, 2. Dogs will give you a lot of ''false alarms,'' but every now and then they may really know what they're barking about. 3. On the other hand, maybe not. 4. Experts agree that, if you want REAL home security and peace of mind, turtles are worthless.

Great Music

2005-04-09T14:46:00.000-05:00

Well I got all my music organized yesterday and today. I ripped all my CD's to my hard drive, Put everything in labled folders and made play lists for all of my albums. That took the most time, but I am fianlly done with it. :) I also listed all of my CD's on recordnerd.com. Chasmyn introduced me to that site. It is really cool.

I got my Simon And Garfunkel Boxed Set Yestarday that I ordered from Amazon. I have been listening to it non stop. It is 5 discs of the Columbia Records albums. I had the same set on cassett when I was little. Then they wore out and got lost. It is like having a long lost friend come back into your life. For me anyway. I grew up with S&G and know all the songs. I lestened to the tapes until they wore out. Now I have the albums again. *sigh* And Bridge Over Troubled Water still makes me cry. And I know all the words still. Hehehehe. I can't even explain what S&G does for me.

This was an impulse buy on Amazon last week when I got my check. It wasn't cheap either. But I couldn't pass it up. I decided that I couldn't live without it. It was between this and Fourty Licks by The Rolling Stones. No contest. I ordered it as soon as I saw it. Heh. Fourty Licks will have to wait until next month. It's not cheap either. :P Ah well. Simon & Garfunkel have come home. It brings back all kinds of memories. Good and bad. i spent a significant part of my like listening to these albums. And now I can spend my adult life listening to them. :)

Music has once again become a part of my life. I spent so long not listening to music that I had forgotten how songs can make us laugh and sing and cry. Wow. I want more.

So last night I got to hang out with my new friend Julia. She moved here from Texas and I met her through Karen. She called me out of the blue last night to come over and han out. And she only lives about 2 miles from me. So I took the bus over there. I met her puppy Chuckers. He's a pug. We sat around talking about all kinds of stuff. And then went to a cute little coffee shop in Dog Town. I love it. They have a great Moca Latte. She likes to go see bands play. YAY! Now I have someone to go out with. I had a lot of fun last night. It's nice to meet new people and hang out and do alternative things. It was refreshing. Then I came home and talked to Chasmyn for hours and my friend Jaime in YIM. I had a really nice night for a change. It was nice to get out for a bit.

I am happy today.

Lions And Tigers And Bears, Oh My!

2005-04-05T13:28:00.000-05:00

Well it's been almost a month since my last post. Hmm. I have been pretty depressed lately. Don't really know why. My doctor seems to think that I am bored. Well there is nothing much that I can do about that. I can't work or I lose my benefits. I don't even know that I can hold down a job anyway. I would like to try, but I don't want to lose my benefits. I need them at the moment.

I am currently waiting on the fabric for my stepmoms dress to come in the mail. I ordered it Sunday from Jo-Ann's. As soon as that comes in I can start on her dress. I am kind of excited about that. If it works out I am going to try making a couple to sell. *crosses fingers* I have been coming up with new dress ideas, but haven't posted them yet. I am lazy about that. I have a new tem[late for my dress ideas that I like better than the old one so now I have to transfer all of the old ideas into the new format. I am having problems getting motivated for that.

I am really tired of not having anyone to go out with. None of my friends go out anymore. So I am stuck at home all week with nothing to do. :( I wish I had a car. I know I have said that before. But these are the things that depress me so much. I want to be active. To go out when I want to. To have friends to go out with. Perhaps if I could get out I could meet other people who do like to go out.

Karen started work Monday. That is a goos thing for her. But we wont be working on Tuesdays anymore. I will be working by myself over there. I guess that's cool. It was nice haveing someone to talk to while I cut stuff out. She took a custom corset order on rush. So I have to go over there today and cut that out. I am also babysitting tonight although I really don't feel like it. Actually I don't feel like doing anything today. I just want to sit here and do nothing all day. I made up my mind to leavr here at about 2:30 in order to get there by 3. Then I will cut out the corset and wait on Karen to get home so that we can finish my taxes.

I have been trying to get a scholarship at the YMCA up the street. But I got a letter saying that they needed my tax return. Gah! So now I have to file taxes. More delays. It looks like I won't be taking any classes this session due to this delay.

Nothing fits me anymore. I have got to lose weight. I am trying to find an alternative for my sweet tooth. I bought raisins, fruit cups, and Jello. So I am eating those instead of running to 7-11 for a Twix bar. I stopped myself from getting Ice Cream last night and am trying to watch my sugar intake. This is really hard since I am addicted to soda. Ack! I can't give up my Coca-Cola. I will just have to exercize harder if I get my membership to the Y.

Well that is about all there is in my life right now. pretty much the same stuff that has been going on all along. *shrug* I am so uninteresting.

Another Dave Barry Column

2005-03-07T18:06:00.000-06:00

I have to wholeheartedly agree with this one...

Good for whatever ails you
BY DAVE BARRY
This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on June 21, 1998.)

Recently, I was lying on the sofa and watching my favorite TV show, which is called, "Whatever Is on TV When I'm Lying on the Sofa." I was in a good mood until the commercial came on. It showed an old man (and when I say "old man," I mean "a man who is maybe eight years older than I am") helping his grandson learn to ride a bicycle.

I was watching this, wondering what product was being advertised (Bicycles? Dietary fiber? Lucent?) and the announcer said: "Aren't there enough reasons in your life to talk to your doctor about Zocor?" The announcer did not say what "Zocor" is. It sounds like the evil ruler of the Planet Wombax. I figure it's a medical drug, although I have no idea what it does. And so, instead of enjoying my favorite TV show, I was lying there wondering if I should be talking to my doctor about Zocor. My doctor is named Curt, and the only time I go to his office is when I am experiencing a clear-cut medical symptom, such as an arrow sticking out of my head. So mainly I see Curt when I happen to sit near him at a sporting event, and he's voicing medical opinions such as, "HE STINKS!" and "CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW BAD THIS GUY STINKS??" This would not be a good time to ask him what he thinks about Zocor ("IT STINKS!").

Television has become infested with commercials for drugs that we're supposed to ask our doctors about. Usually the announcer says something scary like, "If you're one of the 337 million people who suffer from parabolical distabulation of the frenulum, ask your doctor about Varvacron. Do it now. Don't wait until you develop boils the size of fondue pots.

At that point, you're thinking, "Gosh, I better get some Varvacron!"

Then the announcer tells you the side effects.

"In some patients," he says, "Varvacron causes stomach discomfort and the growth of an extra hand coming out of the forehead. Also, one patient turned into a lemur. Do not use Varvacron if you are now taking, or have recently shaken hands with anybody who is taking, Fladamol, Lavadil, Fromagil, Havadam, Lexavon, Clamadam, Gungadin or breath mints. Discontinue use if your eyeballs suddenly get way smaller. Pregnant women should not even be watching this commercial."

So basically, the message of these drug commercials is:

1. You need this drug.

2. This drug might kill you.

I realize that the drug companies, by running these commercials, are trying to make me an informed medical consumer. But I don't WANT to be an informed medical consumer. I liked it better when my only medical responsibility was to stick out my tongue. That was the health-care system I grew up under, which was called "The Dr. Mortimer Cohn Health Care System," named for my family doctor when I was growing up in Armonk, N.Y.

Under this system, if you got sick, your mom took you to see Dr. Cohn, and he looked at your throat, then he wrote out a prescription in a Secret Medical Code that neither you nor the CIA could understand. The only person who could understand it was Mr. DiGiacinto, who ran the Armonk Pharmacy, where you went to get some mystery pills and a half-gallon of Borden's chocolate ice cream, which was a critical element of this health-care system. I would never have dreamed of talking to Dr. Cohn about Zocor or any other topic, because the longer you stayed in his office, the greater the danger that he might suddenly decide to give you a "booster shot."

We did have TV commercials for medical products back then, but these were non-scary, straightforward commercials that the layperson could understand. For example, there was one for a headache remedy -- I think it was Anacin -- that showed the interior of an actual cartoon of a human head, so you could see the three medical causes of headaches: a hammer, a spring and a lightning bolt. There was a commercial for Gleem toothpaste with Gardol, which had strong medical benefits, as proven by the fact that when a baseball player threw a ball at the announcer's head, it (the ball) bounced off an Invisible Protective Shield. There was a commercial for a product called "Serutan." I was never sure what it did, but it was definitely effective, because the announcer came right out and stated -- bear in mind that the Food and Drug Administration has never disputed this claim -- that "Serutan" is "natures" spelled backward.

You, the medical consumer, were not required to ask your doctor about any of these products. You just looked at the commercial and said, "A hammer! No wonder my head aches!" And none of these products had side effects, except Gleem, which, in addition to deflecting baseballs, attracted the opposite sex.

I miss those days, when we weren't constantly being nagged to talk to our doctors, and we also didn't have a clue how many grams of fat were in our Borden's chocolate ice cream. Life was simpler then, as opposed to now, when watching TV sometimes makes me so nervous that I have to consume a certain medical product. I know it's effective, because it's "reeb" spelled backward.

Dave Barry Column

2005-03-07T17:12:00.000-06:00

16 THINGS THAT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN: by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist [and another blogger!]

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, it's full potential, that word would be "meetings.."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." [like blogging?]

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine.. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Just stuff...

2005-03-07T16:54:00.000-06:00

Well Rob finally got back to me about my hosting problem with posting to blog. He changed and updated the server that hosts IGPS so something is screwy with the FTP now. He said he would look into it for me, but I told him that it was no big rush since I just moved my blog over to blogspot, and changed all my links. :P

Ran finally came and got me on Friday. He showed up at 6:30. And then we had to look for my keys, which we never did that night. I borrowed a front door key from my neighbor and left my apartment door unlocked. I finally found my keys Saturday morning. They had fallen into a plastic bag on the floor. How that happened I have no clue. I was convinced that I left them in the door and somebody had taken them. *sigh*

I really need to clean my apartment up. Maybe then this won't happen again. It has become such a daunting task. I started to clean on Saturday while looking for my keys, but gave up after I found them. I hate my mental illnesses.

I bought a bunch of fabric on Saturday to make 2 more dresses with. I am making one for my stepmom out of dark lavender calicos and one for myself out of bright red and orange calicos. :) I can't wait to get them done. I bought a bunch of patters also. I decided to make the bodices of my dresses fitted instead of just a tube of fabric. I think it will look nicer. So some of the patterns that I bought were sundresses that I plan on modifying. This is still a grand experiment, but if it works it should be pretty cool. :)

Tonight is Goth Night at the Kastle. I don't know if I am going to dress up or not. Right now I don't really feel like it, but you never know how I will feel when it comes time to get dressed. I think I am just going to wear jeans and a black t-shirt. Nothing is clean since Ran never showed up to take me to do laundry the other day. *sigh*

Laundry tomorrow, rain or shine. I am working with Karen tomorrow so I can do my laundry at her house and also wash the new fabric for the dresses. I have to get going on the dress and shirt for my parents. Their birthdays were in the beginning of February. I decided that these would be a really late birthday gift and an early Easter gift. I really like the fabric for my dad's shirt. It is a really pretty blue batik. It looks like it has rain marks on it. I love it and I hope that he will like it also.

Jewelry production is progressing. I just got an ArtBin organizer for my beads and cord and tools and stuff...

I really like it. It holds all of my stuff that I need for making my jewelry. I was hoping that this was incentive to make more since I spent $25 on it. I took the thread caddy out since I didn't need it for jewelry stuff, but decided to use it separately in my sewing drawer for all of my thread. Go figure. LOL.

Well that is about it for today. Off to go eat and get ready for tonight. :P TTFN!

Been A While...

2005-03-04T18:17:00.000-06:00

I have been having problems posting to IGPS, so I moved my blog over to blogspot. At least I can post there. I have tried to contact the admin of my site to get this resolved, but to noavail. So I moved to a new home. I just got finished updating BlogRoll and Blog Explosion. Easier than I thought. :)

I got ditched today again by Ran. *rolls eyes* This will be the last time I ask him to help me do anything. I am sitting here with 2 large piles of laundry and no way to do them. *sigh* It's not like I ask for much. This is the second time this week this has happened with him. I guess I am not as important as his bed or his other friends. He probably slept all day again.

So here I am waiting on him to pick me up for Sci-Fi Friday. He is 45 minutes late for that also. I have a feeling he is not coming. Not that I can't just watch all those shows here on cable, but it is nice to be with the group on Fridays. He is probably still asleep or else he is avoiding me. Jason says to give him till 6:30 and then he will come get me.

I hate not having a car. I need to do stuff like laundry and grocery shopping and going to the Y to sign up for a scholarship. We were even going to run erends for Ran today, like getting him a phone. So it was not all about me.

Well he is not coming to get me. Phil is. Thank God. I hate spending my evenings alone. I want a car!!! GRRRR...

Another Choker

2005-02-22T17:05:00.000-06:00

I have been feeling really creative lately. :P So here is another choker. I made one like it for my Aunt's birthday but didn't get a picture, so I recreated it.

I love making them!!!

New Choker

2005-02-20T23:47:00.000-06:00

I made a new choker today. I am really happy with it. I used black craft cord, rose quartz beads and tourquoise beads. Here are the pics...

I hope to share more as time goes on. I just got a bunch of supplies. :)

I got inspired...

2005-02-17T21:10:00.000-06:00

I just made this today. It took me hours to make. Well ok I kept taking breaks. :P I wanted to make a choker but I didn't cut the cord long enough. I started it in hemp, but the hemp twine I have is really fuzzy so it didn't look right, so I went with the black cord. I am really happy with the way that it turned out.

So here it is. Enjoy!

Day From Hell...

2005-02-15T22:12:00.000-06:00

About a month ago the premium on my Medicaid went up to $113.00. While this may not seem like a lot, it is when you only make disability pay. So I dropped Medicaid thinking that Medicare would cover everything that I needed. Boy was I wrong.

I got the bill for my meds today when I went to the pharmacy to refill them, and found out that Medicare does not cover prescription drugs. My meds cost $300.00. I about has a heart attack. So I went to work with Karen and got on the phone to my case worker at BJC. She tells me that I can call a pharmacy called Med Store and they will fax the bill to my Medicaid case worker and that that will meet my premium for the month, and that because of that I wont have to pay the $113.00 each month. Easy enough.

So I place a call to my doctors office to have them call this Med Store place to put a new prescription in for me. I find out that my doctor, who is really reliable, is on vacation. Someone else is covering for him. So I leave a message for this other doctor to call me about this since I am out of my crazy meds. (All the while I am in tears from being so frustrated about all this.) So I never hear back from this doctor. I called again to the clinic and get a really rude attendant who tells me that she left the message for the doctor already to call me.

Then my social worker from BJC calls to talk to me again to see how things are going. She tells me after an hour to call the doctors office again. She also informs me that she called the pharmacy to give them a heads up that this was going down. Still no sign of a phone call from the doctor. I call again. This time I get a different attendant and I explain my situation again and leave the pharmacy number for the doctor.

After a bit I call the pharmacy to see if the doctor has called. I am informed that he has but he didn't know what I needed prescribed. No call to me from the doctor to find out what I needed. So now it is 4:30 and I call the doctor's office again and they are gone for the day. Ack!

Meanwhile I am still frustrated and having emotional trouble from all the stress that this is causing. I then find out from the new pharmacy that it will take 5 days to get the order paid from Medicaid. So I will be without meds for at least that long. OMG!

Now last week I knew that I might have problems with Medicare not paying for meds, and my dad tells me that he will pay for it THIS month. This morning when I called him to confirm this I get a lecture about how this is really uncool, and that I should not have asked. What am I going to do?

So at dinner tonight my dad and I talked some more about what happened today with all the run around. He tells me that he will pay for the prescription this once so that I have my meds for this month. We decided that the only payment is that I don't let this happen again. Fair enough. I am getting my meds one way or another. We also decided that I should go ahead and get the other set of meds from the Med Store anyway, so that I know how this works for next time. So I will have a two month supply for backup. Good plan.

Moral of the story, the government sucks. The other moral, don't let yourself run out of drugs that you need to function day to day. I am really glad that my dad was willing to help this time. Although it came at a steep price. He doesn't like it when I need something other than a weekly dinner from him. We get along as long as I am handling my own affairs. Which I usually do just fine. I just got confused about all this bureaucratic stuff this time. The good news is, I will have Medicaid back since the cost of the meds takes care of the deductible each month. PHEW! The bad news is, that I can never ask for a favor again.

I just thought of another moral. Don't wait until the day you run out of meds to try and get it taken care of. I learned a lot today. I also was reminded of the reasons that I am on the drugs in the first place. I can't handle stress at all without crying and getting angry. What a day. I am drained in every way possible. But I did finish my dress today. Even if one pocket is higher then the other. :P

New Projects

2005-02-15T21:39:00.000-06:00

Well I finally have pics of the new corset.

And the dress that I just finished today. :)

I wore the dress tonight to dinner. :)

New, new dress ideas

2005-02-02T03:08:00.000-06:00

I have completely redone the dresses. I put them on a to scale model and re-did most of the designs. I am much happier with the way they all look now. :)

http://www.igps.org/fraggle/dressideas/

So take a look. :)

Off to bed. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

New Dress Ideas...

2005-01-29T18:22:00.000-06:00

So I have spent the last two weeks coming up with ideas for the hippie dresses that I want to make and sell. :) It is really fun to come up with quilt blocks. Now I just have to learn how to make them, although I don't think this is going to be difficult. *Fingers Crossed* I have several books on quilting now and I am a pretty quick study. So hopefully I will have some finished dresses by March to sell. :) Here is the link to my dress ideas: http://www.igps.org/fraggle/dressideas/. Let me know what you think of them.

I am going to make the dancing bear dress first, since it is a panel dress and is going to be pretty easy. The spin on it will be enormous (96 inches). I cant wait to wear it to a Jake's Leg show. :P

Well that was all for now. I will post pics as I make them. And they hopefully will be up for sale starting in March. In the meantime you should check out our other stuff for sale at Curious Cat Clothing.

Books

2005-01-22T00:16:00.000-06:00

I ordered three books on applique, quilting, and sewing hippy clothes the other day.

Threads For Heads; By Laren Clay
The Complete Book of Machine Quilting; By The Fannings
Mastering Machine Applique; By Harriet Hargrave

All of them have shipped. YAY! I am very excited. My new obsession is hippy girl, patchy dresses. This one is my favorite from Snake Mountain Threads:

I think I love the colors and the artistry of the applique on the dress. The clouds around the sun are a nice touch. This is the kind of art I want to make. One step at a time though. First I have to learn how to sew appliques. Thus the book. I am really excited about the Threads For Heads book also. It is about how to make those cute apron tops (the ones that are open in the back) and spinner dresses and patchy pants. Karen and I will be adding a hippie dress section to the website once I have mastered this art. :) I have no doubt in my mind that I can do this.

I will finish the camouflage corset that I started next week. It is turning out great. I have to put the bones in, bind and grommet it and then it is done. I will have a pic of it probably next week once it is finished. Then it is on to the skirt. I will be making that on the surger, so that will be a new skill that I can add to my growing repitoir of sewing skills. This will be the second outfit that I have ever made. (The first one was a disaster, years ago LOL.) Then once that is finished I will be starting to work on the applique thing and then the hippie dresses. Simple at first I think, then more artsy.

I cant wait to start picking out fabric for them. I want the first one to have a black courderoy bodice, with black and grey calico stripes. Then I want to add Dead Head Bears in a rainbow around the bottom, and a stealie on the bodice. I found the patches that I am going to use for the dress online at the Hippie Shop. I will definately post pics of it when it is done. Should be sometime in February. It is going to be an apron style dress that ties up the back. :) Like the dress above. Good spinning.

On a totally unrelated note... I have been reading about Bush's Social Security Reform. They want to slash benefits by 45%. For those of us that live on disability as our soul form of income, this would be devastating. It would mean that instead of making $800 dollars a month, benefits would be slashed to $440 dollars per month. I don't know about you, but I can't live on $440 pir month. This would also mean that seniors would get thier benefits slashed also. To find out what you can do to help stop this pleas read MoveOn.orgs petition.

Anyway... The sewing adventure continues. See you all later. :)

Changes

2005-01-18T03:20:00.000-06:00

Well I finally got to bed around 8 am yesterday morning. Damn this cold. And of course it is now 3 am and I am not even tired, I am all keyed up from going to the club for Goth night tonight. (I wore a Janice tye-dye LOL.)

As you can see I have made some changes to the layout of the blog. I personalized it a bit. :) I love the Dead so it seemed fitting. I made the graphics last night and put them up today. Thanks to the Dead for the bear and steelie ideas.

Well that was all I had for today. :)

Nighty night all. *hugs*

More Lyrics

2005-01-17T19:43:00.000-06:00

I thought I would post the lyrics to my second favorite Dead song. I love the poetry to this piece, and really find myself relating to it.

"Eyes of the World"
Words by Robert Hunter; music by Jerry Garcia

Right outside this lazy summer home
you don't have time to call your soul a critic, no
Right outside the lazy gate of winter's summer home
wondering where the nuthatch winters
Wings a mile long just carried the bird away

Wake up to find out
that you are the eyes of the World
but the heart has its beaches
its homeland and thoughts of its own
Wake now, discover that you
are the song that the morning brings
but the heart has its seasons
its evenings and songs of its own

There comes a redeemer
and he slowly too fades away
There follows a wagon behind him
that's loaded with clay
and the seeds that were silent
all burst into bloom and decay
The night comes so quiet
and it's close on the heels of the day

Wake up to find out
that you are the eyes of the world
but the heart has its beaches
its homeland and thoughts of its own
Wake now, discover that you
are the song that the morning brings
but the heart has its seasons
its evenings and songs of its own

Sometimes we live no
particular way but our own
Sometimes we visit your country
and live in your home
Sometimes we ride on your horses
Sometimes we walk alone
Sometimes the songs that we hear
are just songs of our own

Wake up to find out
that you are the eyes of the world
but the heart has its beaches
its homeland and thoughts of its own
Wake now, discover that you
are the song that the morning brings
but the heart has its seasons
its evenings and songs of its own

UGGG!

2005-01-17T06:37:00.000-06:00

Well here it is, 6:22 AM. I am still awake, with a cold. I have been lying awake in bed for 4 hours now and just can't get to sleep. So I am going to write to you.

I am feeling much better since the whole breakdown on New Year's. I am back to my usual semi-perky state (although I do have a cold). I think that the holidays just put a lot of stress on me beacause it is a family time, and I don't exactly feel like I have one of those. My dad and stepmom are pretty cool, but they are doing their own thing. So I am left on my own. Not that this is a bad thing, but when the holidays come around I get lonley for mom. *shrug* I guess that is normal.

Lately I have been looking into making patchwork clothing like the hippie girls and boys wear. I found some amazing websites out there. My favorite so far is MarshaMellow's website. Her dresses and appliques are so pretty. I want to make clothes like that. So I ordered a book on how to make the apron dresses and tops and patchy skirts and pants. I am really excited about it, and I wish that it would get here soon. Course it's only been 4 days since I ordered it.

Karen said I could be the hippie side of Curious Cat Clothing when I get good at making stuff. :) I am very excited about this and have lots of ideas floating around in my head. I have been coming up with patterns in photoshop to applique. I have some neat ones so far. :) I will post pics at a later date when I get my projects page up and running.

I started sewing my camouflage corset this past week. I got pretty far on it, and will probably finish it this week. All I have left to do on it is to put the bone casings and bones in, bind it, and grommet it, and it is all done. Then I will start on the skirt for it. I will definately post a picture of the finished outfit.

All in all I am pleased with the way my first real sewing project is coming along. I am pretty good at this sewing thing. I can't wait to start more projects. Like hippie clothes. LOL.

Well that is all for tonight. I am going to go try to lay down again. TTFN! *hugs to all*

New Year and New Obsessions

2005-01-05T01:40:00.000-06:00

Well Montauk was kind of fun. I had a breakdown on New Year's Eve which wasn't so much fun, but overall I had a good time. I will post pictures when I get them all from Karen. I think the break down was from stress, and expectations not being met, and loneliness. It was all couples except for me and Ran, and that kind of got to me. So I had a good cry and then pulled out of it in time for midnight. Ok... About 12:30 is when I pulled myself together. I was really tired from lack of sleep all weekend, which was part of the problem. If we go next year I am requesting a bedroom even if it requires me to pay extra. None of this single person on the couch thing again. Bah!

So I have made some resolutions for the new year. I have decided to join the YMCA down the street from me this year. My goal is to lose 10 pounds a month for as many months as it takes to get thin. :) I am tired of feeling unattractive and I was to wear those cute backless hippie girl shirts come summer. :P The other big one that I made was to eat better. No more of this pizza every night and hot pockets every other night. I am sick of them anyway. Those are my two goals. Smoking will be next years resolution I guess since once I join the gym I wont be able to afford the patch to quit. Although I am looking into shuffling my medical insurance around. I am paying for 2 insurances (Medicare and Medicaid). I really only need one so when I figure out which one I am dropping I will be able to save 100 more bucks a month. If that is the case I will be quitting smoking this spring. I think.

Well with the New Year I also found a new obsession. It is called Maple Story. It is a MUD (Multi User Dimension). It is a graphical MUD though so you can see what you are doing as opposed to the traditional MUDs that were text based. It is really cute. Here is a screen shot of my character Arriana...

Cute isn't it. :) When I get my complete outfit I will post another picture. Although that will be a while cause the outfit I want I can't use until level 28 and I am only level 14. I am a Mage on the path to becoming a Fire Magician. I love the game so far. It is semi social, I made my first friend on there today. So now I have someone to adventure with when he is on. :) YAY! So anyway that is what I have been doing since Sunday afternoon. Playing Maple Story. If you are into MUDs at all you should really check this out. It is a page scroller like old-school arcade games. And all the monsters are adorable so far. Mushrooms, snails, tree trunks. Those are the ones I have net so far, there are hundreds of them though. It is a great game, and it is free. :) Free to download and free to play. Right up my alley.

Well off to bed. I am a sleepy Mage... Bye!

New Years Resolutions And Stuff

2004-12-30T01:33:00.000-06:00

Well we are headed to Montauk State Park for New Year's Eve. We are leaving tomorrow morning after shopping for food. It should be fun although I wish I had someone to take this year. It's all couples that are going, including my ex and his new girlfriend. Should be interesting, even if it will be a little lonely. I will try to remember to take my camera so that I can post the pics afterwards. We are staying in cabins so none of this cold weather camping for us (even if it was 60 degrees today).

I feel better now that I made it through Christmas. All in all I had a pretty good holiday. This marks the first time in years that I wasn't falling apart when the holidays hit. This must be a testament as to just how stable I have become over the last two years. Before that I was a mess.

My doctor and I had talked about changing my medications around come January. He suggested dropping the risperdal. I am not sure how I feel about that, although it might be what is causing my insomnia and weight gain. The anti-depressant we are definitely keeping. I am on Nortriptyline.

We talked about why the holidays have affected me in the past. A big part of it was memories of Christmas' spent as a family (me, mom, dad). After my mother died my dad and I kind of stopped doing holidays. Then he met my stepmom and we started spending holidays with her family. Now, after five years of that, I am starting to feel like they are my family also. It helped that I was invited to both family dinners even though my dad and stepmom are in Prague for Christmas this year.

Every year it seems like it gets a little easier to deal with the holidays, although just once I would love to have someone special to spend them with. Anyway, that is all about the holidays. I will let you know how New Year's goes when I get back next week. In the meantime check out our clothing web site: Curious Cat Clothing and have a great New Year. :)

My Favorite Dead song...

2004-12-26T03:21:00.000-06:00

"Sugar Magnolia/Sunshine Daydream"
Words by Robert Hunter and Robert Weir

Sugar Magnolia blossom's blooming
Head's all empty and I don't care
Saw my baby down by the river
Knew she'd have to come up soon for air

Sweet blossom come on under the willow
We can have high times if you'll abide
We can discover the wonders of nature
Rolling in the rushes down by the riverside

She's got everything delightful
She's got everything I need
Takes the wheel when I'm seeing double
Pays my ticket when I speed

She come skimming through rays of violet
She can wade in a drop of dew
She don't come and I don't follow
Waits backstage while I sing to you

She can dance a Cajun rhythm
Jump like a Willys in four wheel drive
She's a summer love in the spring, fall and winter
She can make happy any man alive

Sugar magnolia
Ringin' that blue bell
Caught up in sunlight
Come on out singing
I'll walk you in the sunshine
Come on honey, come along with me

She's got everything delightful
She's got everything I need
A breeze in the pines in the summer night moonlight
Crazy in the sunlight yes indeed

Sometimes when the cuckoo's crying
When the moon is halfway down
Sometimes when the night is dying
I take me out and I wander round
I wander round

Sunshine daydream
Walk you the tall trees
Going where the wind goes
Blooming like a red rose
Breathing more freely
Light out singing
I'll walk you in the morning sunshine
Sunshine daydream
Walk you in the sunshine

Christmas Day Eve

2004-12-26T03:11:00.000-06:00

Well I survived Christmas. :) We had a family dinner again tonight and I actually had fun. Then I got dropped off at home. I called my friend Mark and we made plans to go to Jake's Leg at Magee's again. (In case the reader doesn't know, Jake's Leg is St. Louis' #1 Grateful Dead cover band.)

Mark picked me up in his semi cab. That was kind of fun. I have never ridden in one before. His had a bed and closets and was really roomy. LOL.

We got to Magee's around 10:30. Tonight wasn't nearly as packed as Thursday night was. Which was nice, I even got to sit down for once which was good because I did something to my knee today and can barely walk on it... Anyway back to Leg...

Tonight they played a really bluesy set. We walked in on them playing Eyes of the World, then they played China Cat Sunflower. Then some songs that I don't know the names to, but here are the ones that I did know that they played tonight (in no particular order):Turn On Your Lovelight, Franklin's Tower, Sugaree, Samson and Delilah, The Women Are Smarter, Then they plated a Phish song (Heavy Things). They closed the night with a rocking rendition of Bertha. The show tonight was more of a jam show than usual. It was really nice. :) I just wish I knew the names of all the songs so that I could give a complete set list.

Well I just looked and nobody is keeping a set list archive for Jake's Leg. That is a shame. If I could get to their shows each week I would do it, but without a car or a ride I just can't make it up there very often. *sigh*

It feels good to have been able to go see Jake's Leg twice in one week. It is one of my favorite things to do. Plus as an added bonus I got to see "Barcode Boy" (we think his name is John, I like my name better :P ). He is nice to look at and has a barcode tattooed on the back of his neck (thus the nickname). Must have been a Darkangel fan. :)

I really miss being able to go out places. No one will go out with me, except Karen. We go to Goth night twice a month, I really like that too. Although I think I have more fun at Magee's for Jake's Leg. More my speed. I really like live music. I miss having a car to be able to go where I want when I want. Of course, part of my new years resolution is to put away money for a car and insurance and all that good stuff. I am going to look into getting a part time job to be able to pay for all that also. I have to look into that though because of my disability payments... I have to be careful what I make a month, and I don't think that I am capable of holding a full time job anymore. Hey maybe I can get a job at the YMCA and then my membership would be free. LOL. Actually I was thinking that I might be able to get my job at Wolf Camera back. I will have to call Allison at the beginning of the year to see if that is possible.

So many New Year's resolutions. My main one is to lose 100 pounds be next October. I will have to keep journals on my progress. :) That would be nice to be able to look back at come next year. Anyway I think that I will continue my lyrics and song search for the songs that I heard tonight and didn't know what they were... The Annotated Grateful Dead Lyrics is a great place. Off I go.

Christmas Time...

2004-12-24T22:08:00.000-06:00

Well, here it is Christmas Eve. My dad is stuck in Atlanta waiting on a flight to New York and then to London and then to Prague. They called and left a message this afternoon to say Merry Christmas. I am waiting on a ride from my stepmom's parents so that we can go to church and then to dinner with the rest of her family. I feel a little wierd about going since my dad is not going to be there, but I guess it will be ok. :P

Last night we went to Jake's Leg's pre-Christmas show at Magee's. The place was packed. And the show was great. They went with a bluesier set then usual. I wish I was better about keeping a set list, but they played all kinds of neat stuff. Like: Tennessee Jed, Bertha, Shakedown Street, Scarlet Begonias, Eyes of the World, Broke-down Palace, Loose Lucy, Uncle John's Band, and When Push Comes to Shove. I can't remember what else they played, but all in all the show rocked. I am planning on going to the show tomorrow night after dinner also, so we will see how that goes.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just got back from dinner. YUMMY! Turkey and potatos and green bean casserol, and cake, and presents. So the holidays aren't so bad. I felt a little wierd being there at first, but I got over it. :) Going to more family dinner tomorrow night, mmmmmm.

Insomnia...

2004-12-21T05:21:00.000-06:00

Well I am home from the Goth Anti-Christmas party at Magnolias. I have been home for about 2 hours now and can't sleep. Mostly because I am sweating... I turned the heat up this morning because it was freezing in here, but I guess it went up to high. It is hard to gage these things with a baseboard heater. Oh well. Turned it down so hopefully that will help.

I had a fun night at the Anti-Christmas party. I got to talk to some people that I never talk to on a normal night at the club. That was kind of cool. I made some new friends tonight. :) Karen and John and I were vending tonight and we sold 2 corsets. Not bad for a free evening. I wasn't going to get dressed up, but I am glad I did. I wore my dragonfly corset with a green chemise top and a black skirt. Oh, and my kitty cat shoes. I fixed my hair, and got told by several people that I looked really cute. YAY! I like that, it is good for my self esteem.

Well that is all I have to report tonight. I am going to try to go to bed again now that it is cooling off in here.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I found this joke on Bob Rivers web site... Pretty cute... Did I mention I can't sleep and it's 5 in the morning...:P

The chicken and the horse

One day a horse and chicken were getting along beautifully in the meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and begins sinking. The chicken goes to get some help. He runs to a farmhouse and jumps in the family BMW, drives back to the mud hole, and ties some rope around the bumper and throws the other end to the horse. The chicken drives forward and saves the horse from sinking. Smart chicken.

A few days later, the chicken and the horse were playing again in the meadow. This time the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled for help. Get me some help from the farmer. The horse said, I'm going to stand over the hole. So the horse stretches his large body over the hole. Grab on chicken. Grab them and pull yourself up. The chicken did and was saved.

Moral of the story - If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Tears For Fears!!!

2004-12-18T01:32:00.000-06:00

Today turned out to be a great day, even if it did start out a little rocky. I woke up at noon (early for me) and called Ran, then he came over and we went and did laundry. Thank God, I needed to do it. I smashed my head while we were there and that put me in a really bad mood... Worse than I was already in.

After Laundry we came back to my house so that I could change into said clean clothes, I can't were plaid, flannel shirts in public except to do laundry. Then I suggested that we go to the South City Diner for lunch (breakfast actually). So then I was in a much better mood. Finally. So we jumped back to Ran's to meet John, but he had already stopped by and missed us by about 10 minutes. So we went over there. After singing several versus of the Doom song from Invader Zim (This always makes me giggle like a little school girl).

We hung out with John for a bit, and then John left to go get the babysitter. We left for the Pageant at about 6. By the time we got there it was standing room only, but I was in a really good mood. A bunch of bands played. All were very good.

Then THEY came on... Tears For Fears. And the played all the songs I really wanted to hear. And I cried during Mad World. LOL. They just ROCKED!!! And the crowd was awesome, and the band was awesome, and the evening was awesome... They played a couple of songs off of their new album, which was cool. They still have a great chemistry. And they played all of their greatest hits. They closed their set with Shout. Did I mention that they ROCKED! I never thought I would ever get to see Tears For Fears live.... Like Oh My God!!!!!!! For Sure, Dude!!! I hurt all over from dancing. I am getting so old.

We just got back from Chris' Diner, and more breakfast for me. This time it was a French Slam. Yummy! I am in a really good mood right now. It is nice to see that I can come out of my funk every once in a while... :P

My Apartment

2004-12-18T01:01:00.000-06:00

Well... This is for Chasmyn. This is a follow up to her comment to Yesterday's post. :P

Hopefully this will be a before and after type of thing, since I am going to try to capitalize on this break in my depression cycle and clean this place!!! I can't live with it anymore.

Well kids here is what depression does...

My Bathroom

My bed area...

My desk and closet area... Notice all the cans.

My kitchen area.

I am in a one room apartment so this should be easy right? :P This was a just for fun... I will post the clean pics when I get around to cleaning....

Hitting Bottom...

2004-12-15T03:03:00.000-06:00

Wow, it has been a while since I have sat down at my computer to do anything. I have like a million e-mail messages, all junk of course... I am hitting bottom on the whole holiday depression thing. This is certainly not the worse I have ever been, but it is pretty bad. I have been trying to do stuff to keep busy, but have managed to get hooked on TV instead. It is easier than getting out of bed.

I did go to work today, but that is only once a week. It feels good to get out of the house. I wish I had a car. *sigh* Wednesday's and Friday's are spent at friend's houses watching TV (Go figure). That is about all that I do these days. Watch TV. Law and Order when I get up, then CSI, then some random movie, and Daria. That is my day.

Tonight I am really feeling it. Course there is no one to call at this hour other than the Behavioral Response Hotline and all they will suggest is to go to the hospital. Fat lot of good incarceration will do me. Tomorrow is my doctors appointment. We will see what he has to say when I tell him where I went tonight.

I had a daydream that I killed myself. Haven't had one of those in a long time. Don't really want to do it. But if I tell that Response Line that I even thought of it they will send the men in white coats again. NOT kidding.

I need to remember not to watch depressing movies when I feel like this. I made the mistake of watching Thirteen tonight. What a mistake.

Why is it that I only write in this thing when I am depressed?

Sometimes I just want to get away from it all. If I go back to the hospital they will try to zap my head again and I just can't go through it again. I have ceased to be able to take care of the stupid daily matinance tasks like cleaning my house. I did pay my bills this month so I must be doing something right. The trash in this place is piling up. I don't know what to do about it, I get anxiety attacks every time I look at the mess. I have to do laundry, and have no way to get to the Laundromat. I am falling apart, spiraling down.

Let's see what else I can screw up in my life. GRRRRR!!!! I was doing so well.

I am sure to the normal people, like my dad, this all seems silly. Why can't I just get it together and take care of myself? Like it is that easy. I wish it was. The holidays suck!!! The holidays suck!!! The holidays suck!!! And once more, the holidays SUCK!!!

Well that is all... Going to bed now so that I can get up tomorrow and watch more TV.

100 Things About Me...

2004-11-15T14:04:00.000-06:00

I saw this on a couple of blogs that I read and thought I would give it a try. It has taken me a week and a half to come up with this list. Enjoy...

1. My birthname is Katherine.
2. I go be Kate.
3. My nickname is Fraggle.
4. I have 4 tattoos, and want more.
5. At one time I had 19 piercings. Now I have 14.
6. I live in a studio apartment all be myself.
7. I just ordered Cable, and will buy a TV today.
8. I love the Grateful Dead.
9. My favorite colors are green and black.
10. My favorite movie in The Big Chill.
11. My favorite book is Pyramids by Terri Pratchett.
12. My favorite author is Terri Pratchett.
13. I got drunk with Terri Pratchett at a sci-fi con.
14. I love Stargate-SG1 and anything related to that.
15. My house is a mess.
16. I love OREO cookies.
17. I am adopted.
18. I am left-handed.
19. I put a child up for adoption in 1994.
18. I hum and sing to myself.
19. I like camping.
20. I smoke about 1/2 a pack a day.
21. I am not happy about my weight.
22. I am addicted to Coca-Cola.
23. I play cribbage on-line at Yahoo.
24. My favorite season is Fall.
25. My favorite beer in Guinness Stout.
26. I have been to overseas twice, to Leon, France and Dublin, Ireland.
27. I don't have a drivers license.
28. I am a tournament Director in my cribbage league.
29. My favorite stores to shop in are Torrid and Hot Topic.
30. I am addicted to Blog explosion.
31. My favorite shoes are my Keen hiking sandals.
32. I love the Asia Plum flavored Arizona Green Tea.
33. My website is http://www.igps.org/fraggle/ .
34. I am a member of the Inter-Galactic Party Squad (IGPS).
35. I smoke pot occasionally.
36. I drink occasionally.
37. I have a major depressive order that I take meds for.
38. I have been in the psych hospital twice for depression.
39. I have had ECT (electro-convulsive therapy) for my depression.
40. I love chocolate too much.
41. I eat dinner with my dad once a week.
42. My favorite anime series is Ranama 1/2.
43. My best friend's name is Karen.
44. My favorite incense is Nag Champa.
45. I consider myself a hippie.
46. I like going to Goth night and dressing up.
47. I love wearing corsets.
48. My favorite Dead songs are Sugar Magnolia and Tennessee Jed.
49. I don't cook anything that can't be made in a microwave.
50. I am a jeans and T-shirt kind of girl.
51. I own several tye-dye shirts.
52. I am an apprenticed costumer.
53. I love birthday cake with lots of icing.
54. I hate talking on the phone.
55. My favorite local band is Jake's Leg.
56. My favorite food is pizza from Joanie's.
57. My favorite bar is CBGB's.
58. I was born in Waukeegan, IL.
59. I grew up in Cherry Hill, NJ.
60. I now live in St. Louis, MO.
61. I like chatting with people through Yahoo IM.
62. I am single and happy to stay that way.
63. I am secretly in love with a friend of mine.
64. I make chain maille jewelry.
65. I am on disability.
66. I love Starbuck's Chai Tea (iced).
67. My favorite place to eat is Chris' Pancake House.
68. I do not want children.
69. I really want a dog, but can't have one.
70. I would settle for a cat, but can't have one of those either.
71. I like going to the movies.
72. I enjoy sitting at coffee shops.
73. My mom passed away in 1995.
74. I like my stepmom and her family.
75. My favorite cereal is Kelloggs' Corn Pops.
76. I had laser surgery on my eyes.
77. I only need my glasses at night now.
78. I really like Hot Pockets.
79. I eat mostly junk food.
80. I sleep for at least 12 hours a night.
81. I don't function before 11 AM.
82. I am a liberal.
83. My second Best Friend is Ran.
84. I have tried several drugs.
85. I like to read, a lot.
86. I think my best feature is my eyes.
87. I hate chain letters.
88. I am 28 years old.
89. My ten year high school reunion is this month, and I am not going.
90. I sing and hum to myself.
91. I talk to myself.
92. I have a good relationship with my parents.
93. I don't have a drivers license.
94. I have a son that I put up for adoption.
95. I love Swedish Fish. Especially the red Ones.
96. I go to church once a year at Christmas.
97. I hate doing the dishes.
98. I hate doing laundry, but do it anyway.
99. I believe in fairy tale endings.
100. I am looking for the ONE.

Cable...

2004-11-10T11:50:00.000-06:00

Well I just got off the phone with Charter Communications. I spoke to Ryan. Very easy. I ordered digital cable, something that I was against at first because I thought the price was way more expensive than regular extended cable, but it turns out that it is only $10 dollars more a month. I can do that I said. Plus I get all the movie channels for free until June. YAY! So now I just have to buy a TV and DVD player. Oops.... Welcome to the 21st century Kate. The TV age comes to my house. LOL. I was dead against getting a TV when I moved in here back in May. But after careful consideration I decided that it would be nice to see something other than my computer screen and printed word. So its off to cable land for me. ACK! So it's now off to buy a TV today. I did my homework and found that Target is cheaper to get my TV at then Best Buy, even with a 10% off any one item coupon. YAY Target. So as of 4pm today I will be the proud owner of a 20 inch TV and a VCR/DVD combo unit. And tomorrow I get Cable installed. OMG what is this world coming to!

My 9 Layers...

2004-11-08T22:00:00.000-06:00

I found this list on a Blog by Sue.

layer one:
name: Katherine (Kate for short)
birth date: September 25, 1976
birthplace: Waukeegan, IL
current location: St. Louis, MO
eye color: Hazel
hair color: Light Brown
height: 5'6"
righty or lefty: South Paw
zodiac sign: Libra

layer two:
your heritage: Not sure
the shoes you wore today: My brown suede Merrills
your weakness: chocolate
your fears: the dark
your perfect pizza: pepperoni and green olive thin crust pizza from Jonie's
goal you'd like to achieve: to get through college

layer three:
your most over used phrase on yim: :)
your first waking thoughts: Coke and cigarette
your best physical feature: legs and eyes
your most missed memory: my mother

layer four:
Pepsi or Coke: Coke
McDonald's or Burger King: McDonald's
single or group dates: single
Adidas or Nike: neither
Lipton ice tea or Nestea: Lipton Brisk
chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate
cappuccino or coffee: Neither - I don't drink coffee

layer five:
smoke: yes since 1990
cuss: I try not to, but sometimes I can't help it
sing: Often - my apologies to all - and I hum too - which can be annoying! :D
take a shower everyday: I try to.
do you think you've been in love: Yes.
want to go to college: someday I will
liked high school: I didn't hate it, but didn't love it either.
want to get married: I do
get motion sickness: nope
think you're attractive: I like to think that I am, but I need to lose weight
think you're a health freak: OMG no
get along with your parent(s): I did
like thunderstorms: they are ok
play an instrument: piano, trumpet, xylophone, and own a fiddle

layer six:
in the past month...
drank alcohol: yes
smoked: yes
done a drug: yes
made out: no
gone on a date: yes
gone to the mall: yes
eaten an entire box of Oreos: yes
eaten sushi: no
been on stage: yes - we were in a masquerade and then a fashion show
been dumped: yes
gone skating: not since I was little and on the skating team
made homemade cookies: no
dyed your hair: no
stolen anything: code

layer seven:
ever...
played a game that required removal of clothing: yes
if so, was it mixed company: yes
been trashed or extremely intoxicated: yes
been caught "doing something": yes
been called a tease: yes
gotten beaten up: not unless being kicked in the back counts
shoplifted: I am ashamed to say yes, mostly office supplies from work
changed who you were to fit in: in freshman year of highschool

layer eight:
age you hope to be married: 30
numbers and names of children: one son - I named him Christian Daniel - he has been adopted
describe your dream wedding: a Renaissance wedding at a ren fair
how do you want to die: peacefully in my sleep
where you want to go to college: I would like to go to Mizzou
what do you want to be when you grow up: a theatrical costumer
what country would you most like to visit: England

layer nine:
number of drugs taken illegally: 5
number of people I could trust with my life: 1
number of CD's that I own: about 50
number of piercings: 18 at one time, now just 13
number of tattoos: 4
number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: once
number of scars on my body: 6
number of things in my past that I regret: a lot of things that I try not to dwell on

Chasmyn, You're A Punk!

2004-11-08T01:06:00.000-06:00

That's right. You are a P U N K ! I joined BlogRolling and Blog Explosion tonight... What an addiction starting. Reading blogs and Blogrolling them on my blog... ACK! Ok I forgive you. I like it. I earned 10 points tonight looked at 20 blogs and read them all. Some were interesting, some were funny, some really sucked. LOL. :P I can tell this will be a new thing for me when I am bored. Anyway its past midnight now and I am going to bed. (Actually I am going to read. Then at about 4AM I will fall asleep... And start all over again tomorrow when I finally get up.)

Well not all day tomorrow will be spent sleeping. I have a dinner date with my stepmom, since my dad is out of town (he and I usually go out to dinner on Mondays). I have no idea where we are going. I was half asleep when I said I would go. Should be fun though, the rest of her family will be there also, and I like them. *sigh*

Anyway... Off to read, M U S T P U L L M Y S E L F A W A Y F R O M P C ! ! ! So hard... LOL :P Tomorrow is another day and Chasmyn is still a PUNK! And OMG it is tomorrow... NIGHT!

Finally...

2004-11-07T20:45:00.000-06:00

Well I have finally posted the fall camping trip pictures... HERE. It took a while cause I had to get motivated to do it... Since it also meant redoing the other photo albums to match, and I just haven't been feeling up to snuff lately. But it is done! So enjoy.

As far as every thing else goes... I am doing ok. I can't really say that I am great, but I am not bad either. I had a date last weekend for Halloween and have not heard from him since... lol. So I guess that was a bust. That's what I get for running into and agreeing to go out with old flames. Note to self - don't do it!

I have been slowly overhauling my website again. I am pleased to say that I like the way that it is turning out. I especially liked the way that the menu turned out. :)

I just started reading the Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan again. And am really enjoying it. I guess it helps that I don't really remember it from the first time I read it. I guess ECT was good for something. :P So between cribbage and reading and the website I am keeping busy during the day.

Karen and I have put working off until after Thanksgiving, and then we are going to have to haul ass to get these orders from Archon done. Eak! We will manage though. The only bad thing is that I don't have that to fill my days. But we will get there. The Curious Cat Clothing web site is up and running. Although we have not gotten any orders from it yet. I suppose that will come as we get our name out there. I am really looking forward to that happening. I want to see where this will lead to. *Fingers crossed*

Fall Camping Trip

2004-10-18T20:52:00.000-05:00

We went camping this weekend for John's birthday. I really needed that although I am very tired today. I ended up taking a nap this afternoon and woke up at 5:30 pm when my dad called to say that he was on his way to pick me up for dinner.

Ran and I got to the Siver Mines State Park campground at about 4:30 pm on Friday afternoon. We got set up and started a fire. Everyone else came around 7 pm. On Saturday we went to Elephant Rocks State Park and climbed up the rocks. We hiked the main trail after that and had lunch. Steve cooked all of the meals for us so we feasted all weekend.

On Sunday we hiked up to the Silver Mine's entrance. It was a lot of climbing and trecherous walking, but we made it there and back in one piece. The river would be a great place to swim next summer. So we are going to plan a trip for that. Too cold to swim this time of the year. I stuck my hands in the river and it was freezing. lol.

I love camping, especially in the fall. It got down to the low 30's on Saturday night/Sunday morning. Very cold. My piggie toes were freezing. I hope to have the pics posted on my site either today or tomorrow so check back later. The pic at the top is of me at Elephant Rocks. :)

Here is another one...

2004-10-15T00:30:00.000-05:00

Here is another song that I, for some reason that I don't want to get into, really relate to...

Tears For Fears - Mad World

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces

Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere
Going nowhere

Their tears are filling up their glasses
no expression
No expression

Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
no tomorrow
No tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which i'm dying
Are the best i've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Mad world
Mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday
Happy birthday

Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen
Sit and listen

Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me
No one knew me

Now the teacher tells me what's my lesson
Look right through me
Look right through me

And I find it kind of funny...

My New Favorite Song...

2004-10-14T23:56:00.000-05:00

I think I have found one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard... or perhaps it is just a reflection of the nostalgic, mushy mood I have been in lately.

"My Immortal" By Evanescence

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You can watch the video here...

Ho Hum....

2004-10-14T01:03:00.000-05:00

Well Karen is sick so we might not be working tomorrow. She said that I could come over and work if I wanted, but I told her that if she was sick I didn't want it. :P So, it looks like I will have another day of sitting around and playing on the internet. I found a really interesting blog tonight by Slinka so i added it to my links list. The list is growing slowly.

As you can see the website is coming along. I am not sure about the color scheme, I think i may try purple and green instead since those are my favorite colors. I have really been into red and pink lately though. So we will see. I think I like the way it looks now. I added more pictures of Archon under the title of Karen's Photos. They are, like the title says, the pics that Karen took from the con. Some are repeats, but most are new. There are a bunch of photos of our corsets that we sell.

Karen said that the busks for the corsets shipped today, so my corset will have a front closure. YAY! I can't wait to get started on it. I hope I can have it done by the Nightmare Ball.

I found some really neat corset websites tonight at the Consortium. It is a webring of corset sellers and lovers. I will warn you some of the sites border on what the mundanes would call pornography, but most a really tasteful. Many pictures to be seen. I found some interesting articles on waist training and corset wear so that was pretty cool.

But any-who.... I am off to bed now, since I may have to work in the morning if Karen is feeling well. :) See you all later.

Hugs and small waists,
Me :)

Trying Something New.

2004-10-13T02:46:00.000-05:00

So I came out of my funk yesterday. I feel much better about life in general. So much so that I decided to overhaul my website, and go with something a little more upbeat than the red and black that I had. I was surfing local sites today and came across Tory Z. Starbuck's website. I was inspired by the look of the site. However upon playing with the design I ended up coming up with something totally original. :) I like it when that happens. So now that I have the design down I am changing the rest of the pages to match.

And since we are on the subject of trying something new, I went fabric shopping with Karen on Monday. I picked up some camouflage material and some green silk. I am going to start my first sewing project on Thursday. I am being a little ambitious with it, but if I am careful I know I can pull it off. I am making a camouflage corset and an olive green silk skirt to match. I have decided to bind the corset in black satin to give it a bit of contrast. I will post pics in my photo album of the finished project. :) Hopefully it will be done for the Nightmare Ball on the 25th of October.The busks (front closure) are on back order from a Farthingale's. Keep you fingers crossed.

Karen and I also picked up the most adorable pink leopard print feux fur. We are planning to make a corset out of it also so I will have to post pics of that also when it is finished.

Well it feels good to feel "normal again". I like that fact that if I just run with my moods that eventually I come back from the edge. I am able to pull out much quicker these days. :) Well anyway I am off to bed now... I think I have an appointment tomorrow. :P

See Ya! L8!

P.S Here is Tory's Main site...
In case you are interested. He is an interesting fellow.

Everything Changes....

2004-10-10T22:23:00.000-05:00

Time changes everything. I think back to ten years ago and remember all the fun times I had with my friends. The parties, game nights, coffee houses, bars, camping trips to the farm. It seems as we get older the less and less we hang out anymore. It makes me sad that the solidarity and camaraderie that was there is all but gone now. We tried to hold on for a while, but just couldn't.

I have been feeling very nostalgic lately. Remembering the good times that I had with my friends, wishing that I could get some piece of that back. It is not to be though, as people move on, grow up, settle into careers and families. I feel left behind. Like I am a failure in some way.

I used to be creative and fun loving and carefree. I need a purpose. God this sounds do depressing... Maybe I need to get my meds changed again. Ah well... Good night.

How To Deal

2004-10-10T02:13:00.000-05:00

I just watched the sweetest movie called "How To Deal". I am a sucker for romantic movies... and this one didn't disappoint. Although it hit a little to close to home with some of the subject matter for my tastes.

I often wonder if my life would be drastically different if I hadn't gotten pregnant when I was 17 and had the baby, or if I had chosen to keep him rather than giving him up for adoption. I know that I made the right choice in that decision, but I can't help wondering where I would be if I never had him. He just turned 10, I haven't seen pictures of him since he was 3. I wonder what he is doing, what he is into, what he looks like now. *sigh*

Then there is always the issue of my mother. How would my life be different if she hadn't dies when I was 18. Would we be friends now? Would I even know the people that I call my family? I remember an incident with my father, when I was getting treatment for depression in the hospital, and he told me that if this depression was over my mother that I needed to get over it. Just like that. I needed to get over it. I am sure that some of this is because of that, but most of it is just how I deal with things.

I have been really down lately. Not crying down, but just depressed. Thinking back to events on my life, wishing that I could go back and change things. Wishing that I had someone other than my shrink to talk to, that could truly understand what I am going through. I think I am lonely. I want so desperately to have a normal life. To go back to school and do well, to get a job in the real world, to do fun things. I want people to go out with like I used to. I want to fall in love and have a relationship. I want so many things for myself that I just don't feel like I can have.

Now I feel like crying. LOL. I am such a sentimentalist. Everyday I learn a new way to deal with myself. A friend told me the other day that I had to just stop being depressed. Just like that. Like I had control over how I feel. That is what I get from most people when I tell them that I suffer from depression. Just get over it. It makes me really mad, I can no more control how I feel from day to day than I can control the weather.

I take medication and go through ECT for what? So that I can feel "normal". What is normal? That is something that I have never been... No status quo here. I can't change the past and perhaps I can't change the future either. I try to believe that everything that happens to us happens for a reason. Although I am thinking lately that that is not true. Things just happen because. The choices that we make definitely dictate the future, but we are not predestined to make those choices are we? They wouldn't be choices then would they?

I feel empty. Like I have no substance. There is nothing that makes me go. Nothing to look forward to from day to day. One day is just like that last. I have no drive anymore. There are things that I like to do... but I can't do them anymore. I feel like a loser. L:| Well that is enough self-loathing for one night I guess.

I know that our lives are what we make of them. But I am not in a position to make anything of myself. Excuses, excuses. It's true though. Nothing can change the fact that I am mentally ill. I try to keep up with medication and stuff, but it seems to not work after a while. Maybe I get used to the meds and build up a tolerance to them, who knows. I wish that I had something to look forward to. Something other than waking up and having my first smoke and soda of the day. Something other than cribbage on-line. Oh well. Life is what we make of it I suppose. And I have made a mess of mine.

Archon 28 - The Aftermath

2004-10-05T17:45:00.000-05:00

Well I survived another Archon. And managed to have a whole bunch of fun.

I got to the con an Thursday evening and ran into my friends Timmy and Cara, so I spent the evening with them. I don't think I stopped laughing all night. We met up with Jonathan, and had a blast.

Friday I got up around noon, and wandered down to the convention center to find John and Karen so that we could set up our booth for the weekend. I found John, and started setting up. Then Karen came and we finished setting up. THe dealers room opened at 2, and we sold a leather corset within the first 15 minutes of opening. Friday was a great day for selling our shirts and horns also.

Friday night I found myself with Timmy and Cara again, and as usual had a blast. I wore my brocade corset until about 3 when i got Timmy to help me out of it... that was a fun time. lol.

Saturday dawned bright and chilly and I wandered down to the dealers room at about 1. Neither Karen nor I sat down for the next 4 hours we were so busy. When the dealers room closed at 6 we had to rush to the wedding in the courtyard of the hotel and take pics of the dress that Karen made of the bride. Then it was off to the Green Room to get ready for the Masquerade. We met John there.

The masquerade was quite and experience. It was the first time that I was in one. I am usually really shy about going on stage for any reason, but this time it was ok. We went on without a hitch. Our skit was that I was dressing Karen on stage in her 1904 dress and that John was waiting for her to get ready. We had a lot of compliments afterwards on the skit and overall presentation. We won best tailoring. So not only did I do my first Masquerade, I got an award for it also. :)

After the Masquerade Karen and I went to get ready for the evening. I wore me leather corset and pink plaid miniskirt along with my leather bikers jacket and goggles. I ran into all kinds of people that I haven't seen for a while and danced my butt off.

Sunday we sold even more horns in the dealers room. We closed at 2 and packed up to go home. My dad came and got me at 3 and we went to dinner at his house for my birthday.

All in all i had a really good weekend. There were some yucky spots, but they didn't last long and I got over them quickly. The next con will be 12th Night in January. I am looking forward to doing that also. I love Archon!!!!

Archon again...

2004-09-30T18:34:00.000-05:00

Well I am 20 minutes away from leaving for this con. I am really anxious and excited... I don't know why I am anxious, except that I was having an anxiety attack over getting there.

Anxiety attacks are really freaky... It is like a big weight is sitting on my chest and I get all aggitated and upset and shaky. I hate them, and to have one over the fact that I still didn't know what time they were coming to get me was silly. Of course we were going.... Blah

Well we are going so I feel a little better now... I am still a litle antsy, but not sick feeling anymore. I am looking forward to a fun weekend...

For any of you who have never been to a Sci-Fi Convention this would be a good one to start with. It is a mid-sized con, about 2 - 3000 people show up from all over for it. They have neat guests and great shopping... lol

Anyway, I am breathing better now... I hate those things (anxiety attacks). It's a good thing that they don't happen very offten or I would be a mess. Not that I am not a mess already, but you know...

Archon is a day away...

2004-09-28T23:48:00.000-05:00

Well we are now a day away from my favorite time of the year... Archon. My favorite Science Fiction convention.

I am really stoked about this year. I have lots of costumes to wear and am trying to figure out which night to wear what. I just went shopping at Torrid tonight to pick up some stuff for my Saturday Night costume. I got a little pink plaid skirt and knee high, high heeled boots... and I have my leather corset and my biker jacket to wear with them.... I will have to post pictures after the con....

I am expecting this year to be fun. I am working during the days of the con, at Karen's booth. We are selling cool button up shirts and corsets, both leather and traditional silk brocade. It took a lot of work to get ready for this con. But we did it, although we are into crunch time now, and are working our butts off to get everything ready by Thursday. I think that we will do it though.

The evenings are what I am looking forward too. The parties, and seeing people that I only get to see once a year at this con.

I am beat from working with Karen on this. I did inventory today and helped put together some last minute shirts. More work tomorrow and Thursday before the con. Then it is off to a relaxing weekend.

Well that is all... I have to go to bed now because I have to get up early for work... I am making our banner tomorrow. So I will post the pics from the con when we get back on Sunday. Have a nice rest of the week and weekend.

Birthday Blues... Not so blue this year

2004-09-27T02:25:00.000-05:00

Well I have survived another year. I am now 28.

All in all this has been a milestone year. For the first time in a long time I am stable. I got my shit together and got my own place. I am being self sufficient. I look back to this time two years ago and sigh relief when i think about how far I have come.

Two years ago I finally got hospitalized for depression. I went twice that year. the second time I was released on my birthday. I went to a homeless shelter after that, and then to a transitional housing facility and spent a year there.

I moved out of there into my, at that time, boyfriend's house. From there I got a job, and was able to pay rent. Then I got sick again and had to go through ECT (Electro Convulsive Therapy) for my depression. When I recovered from that my boyfriend and I broke up and I found a place to live.

I am currently in that place still, and have been since May 1, of this year. Life is going pretty good, all things considered. I have had a hard road getting to this point, but I am here now, and I don't intend to leave it.

There is always the underlying fear that I will get sick again, or have to go to the hospital again, but as long as I take my meds and do what I am supposed to do i think that everything will probably be ok. After all that is why I see my social worker once a week... just to keep that from happening again.

Well I lost my train of thought on this one. I went and got distracted by Yahoo IM posts. *Sigh*
Oh well... more to come.

One day at a time...

2004-09-26T19:52:00.000-05:00

Well I just got introduced to this thing by a friend of mine, Echota. So I decided to give this a try. I don't know how often I will update this journal, being that I try to live in the moment rather than planning ahead. Less stress that way I think.