One Day At A Time

I tried...

2005-09-14T01:51:00.000-05:00

I tried to go to sleep tonight. Alas it eludes me. I can't help thinking of my cousin Mike. How cute he was as a kid. What a fat baby he was. All the times I tormented him as a kid. Playing with him. Cuddling him as a baby on my lap. That is about all I can remember of him. I haven't seen him in a long time.

I got a letter from my Aunt today informing me that Mike has passed away this July. I had a good cry about it, called my dad to tell him about it, we were shocked together on the phone.

I have lost so many family members over my life time. Starting with Uncle David, then we stopped talking to the rest of the family for a while. Then my mom died, then we really lost touch with everyone. Nobody's fault really. I just get emotional when I think of family.

I never thought that I would gain a family when my dad remarried. But they have taken me in and made me feel welcome. And for that I am glad. I was a wreck when they got married. I remember that vividly. I never thought my dad would get remarried. I am glad that he did. I really like Debbie and they are happy together. Still I can't help wondering if he misses mom at all. I sure do. I wish she was around to share stuff with. Debbie can never take the place of her.

It was nice to hear from my aunt today even if it was bad news. I havn't seen her in over 7 years. Maybe longer, I can't remember. I sent her an email since that was the only contact info that she gave me, other then my cousin Michelle's phone number (whom I am calling tomorrow from dad's house - pesky thing not having log distance service on my phone).

Where has all my family gone?

Well anyway... enough of that. Archon draws nearer and nearer. I had so many things I wanted to make to sell for it, but I am finding that I was being over ambitious. So I am going to just make 2 skirts to start with and go from there. I will make more pieces as I have time. There are only 2 weeks left though. Yipes! I am really excited about Archon this year. Of course I say that every year. I look forward to it cause I get to see people that I only see once a year there. Like Cat and Dave, and Cara and Timmy, oh and Jack (my "old" man hehehehe). :) Although hopefully I will be seeing more of Cara this year. We have been talking through YIM.

We have so many shirts made to sell this year. OMG... I have cut out 20 of them so far. And Karen has caught up to me. So I have 3 more to cut out then I am done. LOL... So much work to do so little time.

I started reading the "Sandman" series from Neil Gaimen. So far I love it. They do a Mid Summers Night Dream" issue that was just awesome. Karen has them in 10 volumes , hardbound. What a great series. Basically it is about Morphious (sp?) who is the Lord of Dreams. It follows him through many centuries, and shows how he helps people and hurts them. It is a neat concept. And a great story. Oh and his sister Death is a Goth chick. LOL. I love her!

Ah well I am off to read some more and to try to settle my brain. Night all.

Just an update...

2005-09-02T12:20:00.000-05:00

I finally got my settlement from an accident that I was in 3 years ago. I ended up buying a serger and a bunch of fabric to make skirts and a dress for Archon (to sell). I still haven't started on them even though I only have a month to go. I am terrified of these machines. LOL. I will have to get over it this week or I won't make my deadline. I am planning on making a bunch of Sci-Fi inspired clothing. I hope they turn out ok.

I made my first button up shirt today. I am almost finished with it. I just have the button holes to do and then the buttons themselves. Other then that it looks like a shirt. :) I am very happy with the way it turned out, although there are mistakes (they aren't visible though) it looks great. I can't wait to get it finished next week and get it to my dad. Then I have to make Debbie's (my stepmom) dress. That will be pretty easy though. At least after the shirt. Then I decided to make everyone clothing for Christmas so I will have to start all that when Archon is over. I might be being really ambitious about all this, but it is worth a try.

I am really looking forward to Archon this year. No particular reason, but it should be fun. I am looking forward to seeing friends that I only get to see once a year at this convention. I of course will have lots of pictures again.

I have been felling a little depressed and unmotivated lately. Just a cycle I guess. My birthday is coming up this month and I always feel yucky as that gets closer. I missed my doctor's appointment for August... Oops. I will have to reschedule for this month. No big deal I guess. I don't really like him any way. I don't deal with change well. Reading about my friend Chasmyn's new family has been a cheering experience though, and I have my dresses to look forward to this coming week. If only I can get motivated to actually do them. *Crosses Fingers*

Life with Ran is still really weird. He has been getting worse since we moved in here. I am beginning to feel like this was a really bad idea. It is too late now though. He isn't talking to me right now cause I took it upon myself to ask our friend Phil if he could do something for Ran. *sigh* I never expected that it would be this bad. He isn't functioning right now. He keeps talking about moving and living on the street. I keep telling him that if he does decide to bail that he has to find a replacement for himself. I don't know what to think. He wont go to the doctor. He wont let me help him with money management (I think that money is the root of his problem). I don't know what to do. I am just tired all the time.

Oh well whining over. I just finished reading the Narnia series and found out that there is a movie coming out in December. I can't wait to see it. :) We say the Brothers Grimm last night and let me tell you if you haven't seen it you should. It was awesome. Creepy, funny, adventurous, just what a Terry Gilliam movie should be.

I still look forward to my days with Karen. We are back to doing just twice a week now. I was putting together out mock up corsets today, as well as finishing my Dad's shirt. I really look forward to going over there. It gets my away from the house for the day and I love spending time with Karen so it's cool. We just watch movies and sew. LOL. What a life.

Well that is about all I am up to. I will try to post about the dresses and skirts as I finish them. I am updated out. LOL. :)

TTFN!

One More Friday Night....

2005-07-30T01:01:00.000-05:00

Well, I met my new doctor today. He's ok. Asked all the pertinent question like: Do I get messages from the radio or TV, or do I still see stuff moving around... You know all the questions to ascertain whether or not I am crazy. LOL. Well I don't get messages from the TV or Radio, but I do still see stuff moving around. Hehehehe...

So anyway he was pretty ok. I guess I can get along with him. I will only have him for a year, then I can switch back to my old doctor when he goes into private practice. :)

Sci-fi Friday was tonight. The lineup is Stargate SG1, Stargate Atlantis, then Battlestar Galactica. I like where they are going with Atlantis, plus they introduced a great looking guy in the form of a new character tonight. Dreamy hippie boy. I am not sure how I feel about where they are going with SG1. It is really religious. But I will keep watching cause I am a loyal fan and have been with them since the beginning 8 seasons ago. Yes we are on season 9 now. :) And of course Galactica just ROCKS!

I am feeling really anxious tonight and I can't figure out why. I am restless and stressed out. I have no idea what brought this on. Hmmmm... *shrug* I am also feeling really lonely tonight. As I sit here listening to my music and making mixed lists for the party we are going to have in September I am feeling really lonesome. So I am anxious about something, restless, and lonely. Not a good combination. Hopefully I will be able to sleep tonight. I probably shouldn't have had that last soda at 11pm this evening. I have 2 20 ounces earlier. So I am pretty wired. I just couldn't help myself. We went to the coffee house. Ack! Oh well at least I didn't get espresso or something. Then I would be up all night.

I found out that I lost my dress that I made. I think I left it at the hotel in Philly. :( So I have to call them on Monday and see if they have it. *fingers crossed* I have also been thinking of all the important things I have lost over the years. Like family photos, favorite clothes, books, cd's, all kinds of stuff just scattered to the winds. It really makes me sick thinking about it.

I don't want to be sick. I want to be normal and live normally. I want to earn a living with something that I enjoy doing and get off of disability. :( That's the only thing that is keeping me afloat right now though. Without it I couldn't pay my bills and I would be out on the street or in the hospital.

I had a dream the other night that I was in a group home. It scared the shit out of me. That is the place that I will have to go if I can't make my life work out as it is. It is a scary thought. Living with one crazy person is bad enough but to have to live in a housefull of them would be bad beyond words. The shelter was bad enough. And I was there for a year. Living with 30 other women and then 10 other women in the transitional housing. No privacy, always having to wait for someone else to be done eating or showering or going to the bathroom. It really made me appreciate my privacy. It also made me really good with my money. I realized that I had hit rock bottom, and I never want to be there again. Ever. I have learned to be self sufficient finally. It only took 28 years. Now the trick is maintaining this self sufficiency.

I am hanging on pretty good. But if I have another episode like last year I don't know what I am going to do. There is something to be said about proper medication and even ECT. I think it really helped. I am not sure I would have been able to pull out of the depression last year without it. At least not as quickly. I still have memory problems. I ran into a girl that I apparently know from the gaming shop and had no clue who she was. I felt so bad. I think I did a pretty good job of lying that I remembered her though. We talked for a while. I have the problem a lot. I forget names and faces all the time. I also apparently forget appointments and things like that. I have to write everything down. That is the only drawback that I can see though.

It's been a long road to where I am. I have been mentally ill all of my life. It has only been in the past 3 years that I have gotten help with it though. I have never been stable. So this new found stability is good. I am holding on to it really hard though. I mostly just get anxious and a little depressed these days. The days of crying all the time seem to be gone. Mostly I just get nostalgic and melancholy.

I am hoping to try school again in the spring. I think if I take like 2 classes I will be able to handle it. I have to get my GPA up so that I can transfer somewhere to get my degree in wither costuming of fashion design. I want to learn how to draft patterns. That is many years away though. For now I am learning from Karen and picking stuff up on my own. I bought a serger yesterday with the settlement money that I got. I also bought a bunch of fabric. I have a few projects in mind to make for Archon. A Space invaders patchwork dress, a paneled skirt with the gate address for Atlantis around the bottom, and a paneled skirt with the original star trek emblems around the bottom. I hope they turn out ok. I am really excited about all three. So I will be a busy bee over the next few months. Now if only I can get myself motivated to actually make them. Heh.

I started working on my website from which I hope to sell my clothing from someday. It is turning out really well so far. I am noticing a theme with my website lately though. Black and purple. Oh well it works. I like purple and black a lot. So I go with what works. I will keep you posted when it is up and running. I hope that by October I will have something to put up there. :)

Anywho... I am off to bed now. I feel loads better from getting things off my chest. Someday I will write down the whole story. But until then I am content to write it in pieces. Nighty night world. As my mother used to say: I go off to sleep in the arms of Morpheus.

Back Again...

2005-07-21T23:09:00.000-05:00

Well I survived Philly. We got back on the 4th of July. The wedding was wonderful, and so was the reception. I got to see everyone and meet a few newcomers to the family. I managed to hold it together until Sunday, then I had an emotional crash. I feel really bad about that but it was to be expected. I just got overwhelmed.

I did get to have a Philly cheese steak and a couple of Philly soft pretzels. So all in all it was a good trip. Although I don't think I will be going anywhere anytime soon. I like being home.

I got a call from my lawyer this week. He said that I am getting my settlement from the accident that we were in 3 years ago. It's not much after doctor bills are paid from that accident but it is something. I am planning on buying a serger and some fabric so that I can make a few dresses for Archon this year. And of course I am going to save the rest for a rainy day. :)

I am really looking forward to getting my serger. I can finally start sewing for real. I think that will be good for me to turn out some clothing to sell at the con. The first one I want to make is the Space Invaders dress. I cant wait to see how it turns out. Of course I may not be able to part with it. LOL.

Ran and I had our first fight the other day. I came in from running errands, and said "Hi. Man, it's fucking hot out there." He just sat there looking at the TV like he didn't hear me. So I went into the back and dropped off my stuff in my room and came back out, and very quietly asked if he wasn't talking to me or something. He blew up at me. I am talking full out screaming. So I disappeared into the back and took a shower and cried a bit. Then I decided to write him a letter since he obviously couldn't talk to me. I basically told him that I wasn't trying to "bust his chops" as he so eloquently put it. I told him that we have to live together and that I was sorry if he is feeling bad and has been for weeks now but that didn't give him the right to take it out on me. I said some other stuff also, but I don't remember what all I wrote in the letter. So I wrote his name on the front and put to read it not to rip it up and came out and gave it to him. Then I went into my room and read for a while. When I came back out he apologized.

I know he is sick, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with him. I wish he could learn that we are here for him and that he is not alone. He doesn't have to go through life alone. I am seriously starting to regret moving in with him, but I know we can make this work. We have to make this work. And he has to understand that I have my problems also. Perhaps I am not as broken as he is, and I have some of the skills I need to deal with my illness, but I need to know that there are people there for me as well.

Maybe I should call this blog how to deal with depressed and psychotic people. I don't know that seems like all I write about. I guess that's not really true, but it is such a big part of my life. It's just nice to have somewhere to vent my emotions and thoughts. So bear with me folks.

Did I mention that it is hot as Hades in St. Louis now. Summer has come. And it is muggy and miserable. I want to move to Maine. LOL. Just kidding. I just hate this month long stretch that they call the "Dog Days of Summer". We still don't have and A/C unit for the living room so it has been a contest to see just how little we can move. For the most part I am in good spirits though. Meds must be working nicely. Ran on the other hand (as I mentioned before) is not dealing with the heat well. His temper has been running hot. I guess that's why he blew up the other day.

So I guess that pretty much brings up up to date. I am done bitching for the evening and I think I am going to go watch "History Of The World: Part I". Nighty night all.

Wow...

2005-06-29T01:05:00.000-05:00

Two posts in the same week. That has to be a first. :P

I am leaving for Philly in 3 days. I am kind of nervous and excited all at the same time. My cousin Jen is getting married. I haven't seen the family for at least 6 years. The last time I talked to any of them was when I was in the hospital. My Aunt Judy called me to see how I was doing. I am looking forward to seeing everyone again. And it is a happy reunion with the wedding and all. :)

I really miss having family around. We have never been a close family, but before my aunt lived right down the street from us. When I was little we were over there all the time. Then the family split, and we didn't see them anymore. Recently they have gotten closer, but now we live 17 hours away.

A few years ago I would have done anything to move back east, but now my friends are here and so is my dad. Jason is thinking about moving back to LA. I will miss him very much. We have gotten really close over the last few years. But it is what he feels is best for him. So another one moves away. :( Good luck to him.

I would love to go back east. But on my disability I just can't afford it. St. Louis is nice and cheap to live in. I would have a closet in Philly for what we pay for a 2 bedroom apartment here. *sigh* Maybe I will find a nice rich man someday. LOL. Right. Or win the lottery. Of course if that happens I am moving to Ireland not Philly. :P

I have been noticing lately that I can express my mood with music. (not mine but other peoples) Like tonight it's "Boulevard Of Broken Dreams" by Green Day... Here are the Lyrics:

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah
Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I walk alone
I walk a...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...

I am feeling rather nostalgic and sentimental tonight. I guess it's because I am heading back east on Friday. I have been wondering what my old friends are up too these days. I have no way of getting ahold of any of them any more. Oh well. *sigh*

I need to get out more. Like Out Out... not just to my friend's houses to watch TV. I am really lonely.

After a long break...

2005-06-26T23:52:00.000-05:00

Well we finally moved. All of my stuff got moved without a hitch on the 3rd of June. All that stress for nothing. Ran was the first person to show up that day. LOL. So we are sort of unpacked. Been putting it off. I figure we have the rest of our lives to unpack. Plus it's been too hot to do much of anything other than sit still in front of the TV.

I finally got an A/C unit for my bedroom. My dad and stepmom decided to get me an early birthday present. YAY! So at least I can sleep in the cool air at night. Waking up today was really nice. Now we just have to get a unit for the living room and we will be all set. Ran says he is going to see about buying one with this months paycheck. So hopefully that will work out. :) Would be nice to use the computer during the day again.

Mostly I watch TV all day and then go sit in the A/C at the coffee house downstairs. It is really convenient. And thanks to the owner and her musical tastes I have finally identified this song that makes me really happy to hear and really sad to hear. Yes kids its another song that I really identify with. (Not that there aren't hundreds of them) I have been trying to figure out who did this one for a while ever since I heard it on CSI. Turns out it is on the Shrek Soundtrack and it is sung by Rufus Wainwright and it was originally written by Leonard Cohen. The song is Hallelujah. Here are the lyrics. If you have never heard this version of it you should check it out. It makes me cry sometimes. (In a good way though).

Hallelujah

I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe I've been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you let me know
What's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you?
The holy dark was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above
And all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
Its a cold and its a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I also recently discovered a Romanian band called O-Zone. They are really cool. So far my favorite from them is called "Dragostea din tei". It is kind of club music. But it rocks! Definitely a must check out. The album is called "DiscO-Zone" and is available through Amazon as an import. They rock!

I finally got the rest of my Cure collection and Forty Licks from the Rolling Stones. I now have a copy of "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by the Stones. So I am very happy about that. The church organ version is on the Big Chill sountrack, but the song itself isn't on there. I now own everything that the Cure did studio wise. :) Music is awesome. I hope I can afford to buy a couple of more albums this coming month. I really want to get the Dead Milkmen and Janice Joplin's boxed set. Very expensive though. Hopefully I can find it used at Vintage Vinyl. I don't know if they will have Dead Milkmen. They weren't as big here as they were on the East Coast. We will see though.

Karen and I started working again. I have been cutting out Ren dresses all week. I can't wait to see them put together. We have a red and gold tapestry fabric with gold fabric accents for the sleeves and inset skirt. It is a dress like the one Dru Barrymore wore in Ever After. I think it is going to be gorgeous. We are doing a black goth empire waist dress with black mesh sleeves that have been embroidered with pink flowers and green vines. Also we are doing a Green Satin with black velvet roses, and Blue tapestry and light blue satin dress. I can't wait to see how they turn out. I will try to get pictures when they are done. We are cutting out tones of shirts for Archon and making mock corsets with just the ticking in all of the sizes we offer so that people have something to try on and then they can order them with the fabric of their choice. :) Gearing up for a busy summer.

Plus I still have to make Debbie's dress and my dad's shirt. I want to make patchwork curtains for the house as I can afford fabric. I want to make Space Invader curtains for the computer room and random patchwork curtains to the living room. Plus curtains for the rest of the house. Busy busy busy. :P Oh and another dress for my self. I solved the problem of not having a serger to finish the seams. Karen bought me a pair of pinking sheers which will keep my raw edges from fraying. I can't wait to get started. Just have to unpack in my room to clear some space. :P

My mood has been pretty stable lately. Not really depressed but not really happy either. About normal for me. I am thinking about getting a part time job. Just like 2 days a week somewhere to give me something to do. I just can't figure out where I want to work yet. Ideally I want to work in a fabric store, but none of them are accessible by bus. So I guess a gas station will do. No restaurant work for me, although there are tons around where we live. Too stressful. It's looking like 7-11 is going to be the place that I choose. Oh well it is something. :P

Well that brings us up to speed. :)

Moving Blues

2005-05-27T00:42:00.000-05:00

I am so stressed out tonight about moving next week. My tummy is churning so bad over this whole thing. I have no idea if anyone is going to help next weekend. And I have no idea how we are going to do this by ourselves. I also found out that next weekend is the Pagan Picnic. I promised Karen months ago that I would work the booth with her. I never did get the date for it though. So it turns out that when I told her we had recruited her husband to help next week that the picnic is next weekend also. I have no idea what I am going to do. I have to have the utilities turned on at the other place next weekend and off here. Which means that I can't stay here. I am sick over this. I just don't know what to do. I have to move, and I have to help out. *this is the part where I cry*

I think I am just going to have to tell her that I have to move my stuff over there in the morning and that I can meet them there later in the day.

Well I just put out an email asking for help for Saturday so I guess I have made up my mind. I am moving instead of working. No choice. I feel better. I will help them on Sunday, and maybe Saturday afternoon if we get done in time. Sorry Karen. This is more important I think. Why do I still feel like crap? Cause I am felling guilty. It is part of my illness I guess. I always feel guilty when I have to go back on my word for something. God it hurts!

Did I say that I am stressed out? This whole thing is stressing me out. I don't deal well with stress. And now I have to worry about whether or not Ran is going to be able to get out of bed next Saturday and get over here to load up the truck. That is stressful to. He isn't always the most reliable person.

Ok I am just digging myself in further. I am going to stop while I am ahead and fall back on a tried and true destresser. That's right folks I am going to watch Dirty Dancing.

Night.

Moving

2005-05-20T23:54:00.000-05:00

Well I have decided to get an apartment with my friend Ran. (Just a friend, hehehe) Anyway. We are going to put the deposit on the place This coming Wednesday and will be moving in on the 3rd of June.

It is a cute, clean two bedroom apartment in South City right by my favorite coffee house. It should be cool. I will have to post pictures of it when we get the keys. :) For now here is a layout. It is by no means to scale, or very accurate, but you'll get the idea.

I am a little nervous about moving in with Ran, but we both think that it will work out. (*Crosses fingers*) It's more space for both of us although I will end up spending more money a month by doing it. Only about 20 bucks more though, so that is doable. :) I really hope it works out though cause if not we are both screwed.

Well on another note. EverQuest is going well. I am level 12 now. I took a break from leveling my adventure levels to level my crafting which is at 11 now. Although I still can't make anything but crude furniture. Bummer. :( Oh well. I almost got my but kicked tonight before I left to go out. I got mobbed by a bunch of creatures on the main continent and had to make a run for the guards. Who of course took care of the small mob for me. hehehehe.

I also discovered NeoPets yesterday. Very cute. Here is a picture of Norman42. My Techo pet.

I like the NeoPets thing. It is really cute and had amusing games to play on the site. You can buy toys and stuff to interact with your pet with the points that you earn by playing games. Don't know how long it will keep my attention but it is cool for now.

That is about all that is new these days. Like I said I will post pics of the apartment when we move in. Hopefully we can get help moving.

I've Been Tagged

2005-05-14T14:31:00.000-05:00

I have been tagged by Sharon for a meme. So here is mine. :) I had to pick 5 of the following jobs and write what I would do for each.

If I could be a scientist If I could be a farmer
If I could be a musician If I could be a doctor
If I could be a painter If I could be a gardener
If I could be a missionary If I could be a chef
If I could be an architect If I could be a linguist
If I could be a psychologist If I could be a librarian
If I could be an athlete If I could be a lawyer
If I could be an innkeeper If I could be a professor
If I could be a writer If I could be a backup dancer
If I could be a llama-rider If I could be a bonnie pirate
If I could be a midget stripper If I could be a proctologist
If I could be a TV-Chat Show host If I could be an actor
If I could be a judge If I could be a JediIf I could be a mob boss
If I could be a backup singerIf I could be a CEO
If I could be a movie reviewer If I could be a monkeys uncle

If I could be a musician I would learn a whole bunch of Irish songs on my violin and dazzle my friends at campouts.

If I could be a linguist I would translate ancient dialects and be just like Daniel Jackson on Stargate.

If I could be a librarian I would make sure that there was a phenomenal selection of Science Fiction and craft books at my library.

If I could be a writer I would write the definitive Sci-Fi/fantasy series to beat all that came before.

If I could be an Innkeeper I would make sure to serve Guinness on tap and have the nicest beds in the world.

I am also supposed to tag 3 people but I don't know 3 people who read my blog with blogs of their own. So It dies here with me. Sorry guys.

Something Fun

2005-04-30T15:39:00.000-05:00

I found something fun today. What type of English do you speak. Here are my results. :)

Your Linguistic Profile:

50% General American English

30% Yankee

10% Dixie

10% Upper Midwestern

0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Shows That Make Me Emotional

2005-04-21T23:35:00.000-05:00

Well I just got done watching "CSI" and "Without A Trace" and I must say WAAAAAAAH!

CSI was really emotional tonight. It was about Brass' daughter Ellie. And at the end he leaves her a little present that he bought in the beginning for her and a card that read:

"Ellie,

When you are ready I will make it happen.

Dad"

It was a card for a rehab clinic. Made me cry. OMG then I get a double whammy when
Without A Trace" aired. It was about a little girl who gets pregnant, runs away and has her baby in an office be herself, and then they find her at the pool in her school... with the baby. They are ok... it was really touching. and for a lot of reasons really hit home. It made me cry... I actually got misty eyed. Now that is good Drama!

I remember being 17 and scared half to death what my mother and father would do if they found out I was pregnant. It was a month before I told them and probably would have been longer if it hadn't been for my guidance counselor at school. I told the assistant principal about it. And I assume she told my guidance counselor. That is the only way it could have gone down. So Anyway, It was the day before Christmas break and my mom was coming to pick me up for a hair appointment. She came to school and said that she had gotten a call from my guidance counselor (whom I had talked to once when I took the placement tests when we first moved here my junior year). She said that he wanted to meet with us. So we had to go to his office and we just sat there. And he says "I think you have something to tell you mom, don't you?" I was mortified. So my mom all of a sudden blurts out "Oh my God. Your pregnant aren't you?" I was crying by this point and said "Yes."

So then we left school and got in the car. She told me not to talk to her because she was in shock. So we went home instead of to the hair appointment and waited for my father to come home. He seemed to take it a lot better then my mom did. I don't remember what his reaction was or what he said just that he was a lot calmer about it then my mother was. It took about 2 weeks for her to talk to me again. When she did it was to tell me that she had scheduled a doctors appointment for me and to ask what I wanted to do about it. I told her that I couldn't get an abortion or anything like that but I also knew that I couldn't keep it. So I asked about adoption.

We also decided that I would graduate from high school in January instead of waiting until June when I would be showing. So I made up the half of credit that I was missing to graduate be correspondence and left it at that. The next 8 months went pretty smoothly at home. I was on a much longer leash then I was before. They let me go out all the time and stay out all the time. I thought that was pretty cool.

When I told Marshal (the daddy) that I was pregnant he was like well what do you want me to do about it? I said nothing.

When we decided to go with adoption through the Cradle Society in Evanston, Illinois, the social worker contacted Marshal and his parents again to inform them of my decision. His mom wanted to be part of the process, but I said no. That the had no say in anything that I wanted to do. So the social worker brought me the profiles of three couples and told me that if I didn't like any of those that I could choose from three more until I found one that I liked. But David and Laura just popped out at me. Perhaps it was because they had a daughter that they had adopted 4 years before that. (I always wanted brothers and sisters, I was adopted also from the Cradle) I am not really sure they just seemed like everything that I wanted for my kid.

Then I was late to deliver so they were going to induce labor on August 22. 1994. So I went to a Steve Miller concert on Saturday night and went into labor on Sunday morning the 21st of August, all by myself. So we had to drive to Belleville Memorial in Illinois, since I had to have him there in order for the adoption to be able to go across state lines. (There are all kinds of laws to prevent that apparently) Then we got there at about 11 am and they put me in a room to get ready. Then at 11:45 the nurse says that she will be right back and not to push and I yelled that I couldn't stop... So she runs to get the doctor whom I have never met and they prepped me real quick and at 12:15 there was a baby. Then they showed him to me and I started to cry, then they knocked me out with valium. When I woke up it was dark and a nurse was trying to get me up to go to the bathroom.

The next morning they brought him in with a bottle and asked if I wanted to feed him. So I held him and couldn't get him to eat. My dad came in at about 8 am on his way up to Decatur for business. He had a suit on, and he held Christian and got him to eat, then Chris threw up on him. After he left my mom came to visit. We had to learn how to put on a cloth diaper. What an adventure. Then I was released from the hospital. They kept Christian there. On Tuesday we went to visit him again and stayed the day. The on Wednesday the social worker came from the Cradle to sign the adoption papers. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. To let him go. I signed and they took him back to Chicago that afternoon.

I used to get letters from David and Laura with updates. But then they stopped sending stuff. And I lost the album in one of my moves when I was sick. I regret that greatly. But there is nothing that I can do about that now. It makes me sick sometimes that I lost that. I want to call the cradle and see if they will get a letter to David and Laura for me. To tell them about myself and see if they can send me an update. But I just don't know what to say to them. *shrug*

Danny (That's what they named him) will be 11 this August.

The YMCA

2005-04-19T21:16:00.000-05:00

Well I joined the YMCA up the street on Friday. I signed up for a couple of classes, then had to drop one of them because I found out it was an advanced class. There is no way I am ready for an advanced pilates class. I havn't worked out for 15 years. Ugh! Anyway. I had my first aerobics class yersterday. It was a mild water aerobics class. I actually had a good time. Everyone was really nice and the instructor was really patient, although the exercizes were pretty easy to pick up on. I felt really good after the class and am looking forward to tomorrow's class. :)

The facilities over there are really nice also. The building was built on 2000 and has all new equipment and a really nice (but over chlorinated) pool. I can't wait to get my goggles so that I can start swimming laps there. My dad said that he would look to see if he had an extra pair at the house I could have rather then having to spend 20 bucks for a new pair. *crosses fingers* I didn't really wander around the Y at all to check everything out since I was running late for my class when I got there and still had to change. I plan on giving myself a tour next week. :)

They seem to have a running/walking track that rings the workout area. I am guessing that it is an 1/8th mile track but can't tell for sure. The workout equipment looks really nice and I look forward to using the treadmill and the track. There are free aerobics classes in the morning that I want to take, but I just can't seem to get up before one o'clock these days. And it takes me a couple of hours to get going. Hmmm... must change this. I really want to go workout during the non peak hours if I can just get up to do it. My water aerobics class is at 5:45PM which is perfect. Now if I could just get up in the morning for the step class that is free. All in good time I guess, all in good time. I don't even hear the phone ring in the morning, so I certainly won't hear an alarm go off. I am willing to try though.

I was reading about my medication and discovered that I may have developed several side effects from them. Like menopausal symptoms including no period, and some other stuff. So now I have to discuss these problems with my MALE shrink. At least he is pretty cool about stuff... hmmm... I am really nervous that I have developed some pretty severe problems because of the risperdal that I am on. But no use worrying until I talk to him next month I guess.

In the mean time I can honestly tell him that I kept up my end of the bargain we made at my last appointment. I joind the Y and started classes there. I feel good about that. I actually accomplished something. :) Now I just have to clean my house by next Thursday for my home visit from my social workers. ACK! OMG! I am so freaking out about this. hehehe. I shouldn't. If I would just do it it would take a couple of hours to do and that is all. Well maybe I will tackle it this week instead of waitning until the last minute. Like that will happen. hehehe. Oh well...

Another Dave Barry Column

2005-04-11T17:33:00.000-05:00

Posted on Sun, Apr. 10, 2005

A watchdog never drops his guard -- except during dessert

BY DAVE BARRY

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on June 6, 1999.)

Today's topic is: Home Security. Recently, my wife and I went to the home of some friends for a dinner party involving three couples and numerous pets.

Our hosts are fond of animals: They have a big herd of turtles living in a decorative pond outside, and three dogs patrolling inside.

Actually, one of the dogs is only slightly more mobile than a shrub; he's around 47,000 years old in dog years and totally blind. He may in fact be medically dead. But dogs don't get all mopey over physical disabilities.

This particular dog still maintains a productive routine, which consists of every now and then getting to his feet (this takes about an hour) and wandering around until he bumps into something, which he sniffs. If he thinks it might be food, he tries to eat it; if it bites back, he knows it's one of the other dogs.

The two younger dogs are more active; their job is to wait for people to come to the door, then bark loudly and angrily to communicate the fact that, based on their extensive experience as dogs, the people at the door are bad and somebody should bite them. Dogs are deeply suspicious of anybody using a door.

Even if, when the door is opened, it turns out that the people standing there know the dogs, and in fact live in the house, the dogs will sometimes continue barking at them for a few seconds, in case it's some kind of trick. Dogs behave this way because they are extremely vigilant (I am using ''vigilant'' in the sense of ``stupid'').

I have some friends named Libby and Buzz who have a small, nervous dog named Elmo who is so vigilant that he would be classified, on the scale of animal intelligence, in the category of ``mineral.''

Elmo and Buzz have lived in the same house for several years now, but every time Buzz walks into a room where Elmo is on duty, Elmo reacts as though Buzz is an entire urban street gang, barking, growling and running around in small, alarmed circles to let Libby know that Buzz is bad and she should bite him (she rarely does). After maybe 15 minutes, Elmo starts to remember who Buzz is, and he calms down.

But if Buzz leaves the room for, say, 10 seconds, all the current drains out of Elmo's mental battery, and when Buzz returns, YIKES! RED ALERT!, Elmo goes off again, like a small, furry, defective car alarm. It is not a quiet household. But by gosh it is a SECURE household, thanks to Elmo's vigilance.

But getting back to my story: We were having a nice dinner in our friends' home, and during this dinner one of the dogs kept going to a window and growling. We paid no attention, because dogs are always growling -- maybe at the Moon, maybe at the turtles, maybe at the Federal Reserve Board -- who can say?

After dinner, all of us, including the dogs, went into another room to have dessert and watch the Miami Heat play an important basketball game. Actually, the women watched the game; the men actively controlled the outcome by shouting at the screen. The dogs watched the dessert.

Through skillful team shouting, we men won the game, and everybody agreed it had been a pleasant evening. Then the women discovered that their purses, which had been in the kitchen, were gone. While we'd been shouting at the TV, a burglar had sneaked in and stolen them. He'd obviously been watching us through the window. The growling dog had been telling us this.

When we discovered the burglary, different people reacted in different ways. Some called the police; others smoked cigarettes, even though they have technically quit. I decided to go outside and look around the yard for clues. Perhaps I would even find the perpetrator! Then, drawing on my prowess in the martial arts, I would wet my pants.

I was called back into the house by my wife, who had been informed by the police dispatcher that, by wandering around out in the dark, I was being really, really vigilant. The police came quickly. Needless to say, the dogs barked at them. (The young dogs, I mean; the dead dog merely checked to see if they were food.)

We later concluded that the reason the dogs did NOT bark at the burglar was that (a) they were busy watching the dessert, and (b) the burglar came in through the window, which apparently is not a violation of dog security rules. The next day, the purses were found a few miles away, minus cash but still containing credit cards, drivers' licenses, makeup, tissues, pharmaceuticals, espresso machines, power tools and whatever else women keep in their purses. So it could have been a lot worse.

And we can all learn some valuable lessons from this episode about home security, namely: 1. We should lock our doors AND windows, 2. Dogs will give you a lot of ''false alarms,'' but every now and then they may really know what they're barking about. 3. On the other hand, maybe not. 4. Experts agree that, if you want REAL home security and peace of mind, turtles are worthless.

Great Music

2005-04-09T14:46:00.000-05:00

Well I got all my music organized yesterday and today. I ripped all my CD's to my hard drive, Put everything in labled folders and made play lists for all of my albums. That took the most time, but I am fianlly done with it. :) I also listed all of my CD's on recordnerd.com. Chasmyn introduced me to that site. It is really cool.

I got my Simon And Garfunkel Boxed Set Yestarday that I ordered from Amazon. I have been listening to it non stop. It is 5 discs of the Columbia Records albums. I had the same set on cassett when I was little. Then they wore out and got lost. It is like having a long lost friend come back into your life. For me anyway. I grew up with S&G and know all the songs. I lestened to the tapes until they wore out. Now I have the albums again. *sigh* And Bridge Over Troubled Water still makes me cry. And I know all the words still. Hehehehe. I can't even explain what S&G does for me.

This was an impulse buy on Amazon last week when I got my check. It wasn't cheap either. But I couldn't pass it up. I decided that I couldn't live without it. It was between this and Fourty Licks by The Rolling Stones. No contest. I ordered it as soon as I saw it. Heh. Fourty Licks will have to wait until next month. It's not cheap either. :P Ah well. Simon & Garfunkel have come home. It brings back all kinds of memories. Good and bad. i spent a significant part of my like listening to these albums. And now I can spend my adult life listening to them. :)

Music has once again become a part of my life. I spent so long not listening to music that I had forgotten how songs can make us laugh and sing and cry. Wow. I want more.

So last night I got to hang out with my new friend Julia. She moved here from Texas and I met her through Karen. She called me out of the blue last night to come over and han out. And she only lives about 2 miles from me. So I took the bus over there. I met her puppy Chuckers. He's a pug. We sat around talking about all kinds of stuff. And then went to a cute little coffee shop in Dog Town. I love it. They have a great Moca Latte. She likes to go see bands play. YAY! Now I have someone to go out with. I had a lot of fun last night. It's nice to meet new people and hang out and do alternative things. It was refreshing. Then I came home and talked to Chasmyn for hours and my friend Jaime in YIM. I had a really nice night for a change. It was nice to get out for a bit.

I am happy today.

Lions And Tigers And Bears, Oh My!

2005-04-05T13:28:00.000-05:00

Well it's been almost a month since my last post. Hmm. I have been pretty depressed lately. Don't really know why. My doctor seems to think that I am bored. Well there is nothing much that I can do about that. I can't work or I lose my benefits. I don't even know that I can hold down a job anyway. I would like to try, but I don't want to lose my benefits. I need them at the moment.

I am currently waiting on the fabric for my stepmoms dress to come in the mail. I ordered it Sunday from Jo-Ann's. As soon as that comes in I can start on her dress. I am kind of excited about that. If it works out I am going to try making a couple to sell. *crosses fingers* I have been coming up with new dress ideas, but haven't posted them yet. I am lazy about that. I have a new tem[late for my dress ideas that I like better than the old one so now I have to transfer all of the old ideas into the new format. I am having problems getting motivated for that.

I am really tired of not having anyone to go out with. None of my friends go out anymore. So I am stuck at home all week with nothing to do. :( I wish I had a car. I know I have said that before. But these are the things that depress me so much. I want to be active. To go out when I want to. To have friends to go out with. Perhaps if I could get out I could meet other people who do like to go out.

Karen started work Monday. That is a goos thing for her. But we wont be working on Tuesdays anymore. I will be working by myself over there. I guess that's cool. It was nice haveing someone to talk to while I cut stuff out. She took a custom corset order on rush. So I have to go over there today and cut that out. I am also babysitting tonight although I really don't feel like it. Actually I don't feel like doing anything today. I just want to sit here and do nothing all day. I made up my mind to leavr here at about 2:30 in order to get there by 3. Then I will cut out the corset and wait on Karen to get home so that we can finish my taxes.

I have been trying to get a scholarship at the YMCA up the street. But I got a letter saying that they needed my tax return. Gah! So now I have to file taxes. More delays. It looks like I won't be taking any classes this session due to this delay.

Nothing fits me anymore. I have got to lose weight. I am trying to find an alternative for my sweet tooth. I bought raisins, fruit cups, and Jello. So I am eating those instead of running to 7-11 for a Twix bar. I stopped myself from getting Ice Cream last night and am trying to watch my sugar intake. This is really hard since I am addicted to soda. Ack! I can't give up my Coca-Cola. I will just have to exercize harder if I get my membership to the Y.

Well that is about all there is in my life right now. pretty much the same stuff that has been going on all along. *shrug* I am so uninteresting.

Another Dave Barry Column

2005-03-07T18:06:00.000-06:00

I have to wholeheartedly agree with this one...

Good for whatever ails you
BY DAVE BARRY
This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on June 21, 1998.)

Recently, I was lying on the sofa and watching my favorite TV show, which is called, "Whatever Is on TV When I'm Lying on the Sofa." I was in a good mood until the commercial came on. It showed an old man (and when I say "old man," I mean "a man who is maybe eight years older than I am") helping his grandson learn to ride a bicycle.

I was watching this, wondering what product was being advertised (Bicycles? Dietary fiber? Lucent?) and the announcer said: "Aren't there enough reasons in your life to talk to your doctor about Zocor?" The announcer did not say what "Zocor" is. It sounds like the evil ruler of the Planet Wombax. I figure it's a medical drug, although I have no idea what it does. And so, instead of enjoying my favorite TV show, I was lying there wondering if I should be talking to my doctor about Zocor. My doctor is named Curt, and the only time I go to his office is when I am experiencing a clear-cut medical symptom, such as an arrow sticking out of my head. So mainly I see Curt when I happen to sit near him at a sporting event, and he's voicing medical opinions such as, "HE STINKS!" and "CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW BAD THIS GUY STINKS??" This would not be a good time to ask him what he thinks about Zocor ("IT STINKS!").

Television has become infested with commercials for drugs that we're supposed to ask our doctors about. Usually the announcer says something scary like, "If you're one of the 337 million people who suffer from parabolical distabulation of the frenulum, ask your doctor about Varvacron. Do it now. Don't wait until you develop boils the size of fondue pots.

At that point, you're thinking, "Gosh, I better get some Varvacron!"

Then the announcer tells you the side effects.

"In some patients," he says, "Varvacron causes stomach discomfort and the growth of an extra hand coming out of the forehead. Also, one patient turned into a lemur. Do not use Varvacron if you are now taking, or have recently shaken hands with anybody who is taking, Fladamol, Lavadil, Fromagil, Havadam, Lexavon, Clamadam, Gungadin or breath mints. Discontinue use if your eyeballs suddenly get way smaller. Pregnant women should not even be watching this commercial."

So basically, the message of these drug commercials is:

1. You need this drug.

2. This drug might kill you.

I realize that the drug companies, by running these commercials, are trying to make me an informed medical consumer. But I don't WANT to be an informed medical consumer. I liked it better when my only medical responsibility was to stick out my tongue. That was the health-care system I grew up under, which was called "The Dr. Mortimer Cohn Health Care System," named for my family doctor when I was growing up in Armonk, N.Y.

Under this system, if you got sick, your mom took you to see Dr. Cohn, and he looked at your throat, then he wrote out a prescription in a Secret Medical Code that neither you nor the CIA could understand. The only person who could understand it was Mr. DiGiacinto, who ran the Armonk Pharmacy, where you went to get some mystery pills and a half-gallon of Borden's chocolate ice cream, which was a critical element of this health-care system. I would never have dreamed of talking to Dr. Cohn about Zocor or any other topic, because the longer you stayed in his office, the greater the danger that he might suddenly decide to give you a "booster shot."

We did have TV commercials for medical products back then, but these were non-scary, straightforward commercials that the layperson could understand. For example, there was one for a headache remedy -- I think it was Anacin -- that showed the interior of an actual cartoon of a human head, so you could see the three medical causes of headaches: a hammer, a spring and a lightning bolt. There was a commercial for Gleem toothpaste with Gardol, which had strong medical benefits, as proven by the fact that when a baseball player threw a ball at the announcer's head, it (the ball) bounced off an Invisible Protective Shield. There was a commercial for a product called "Serutan." I was never sure what it did, but it was definitely effective, because the announcer came right out and stated -- bear in mind that the Food and Drug Administration has never disputed this claim -- that "Serutan" is "natures" spelled backward.

You, the medical consumer, were not required to ask your doctor about any of these products. You just looked at the commercial and said, "A hammer! No wonder my head aches!" And none of these products had side effects, except Gleem, which, in addition to deflecting baseballs, attracted the opposite sex.

I miss those days, when we weren't constantly being nagged to talk to our doctors, and we also didn't have a clue how many grams of fat were in our Borden's chocolate ice cream. Life was simpler then, as opposed to now, when watching TV sometimes makes me so nervous that I have to consume a certain medical product. I know it's effective, because it's "reeb" spelled backward.

Dave Barry Column

2005-03-07T17:12:00.000-06:00

16 THINGS THAT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN: by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist [and another blogger!]

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, it's full potential, that word would be "meetings.."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." [like blogging?]

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine.. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Just stuff...

2005-03-07T16:54:00.000-06:00

Well Rob finally got back to me about my hosting problem with posting to blog. He changed and updated the server that hosts IGPS so something is screwy with the FTP now. He said he would look into it for me, but I told him that it was no big rush since I just moved my blog over to blogspot, and changed all my links. :P

Ran finally came and got me on Friday. He showed up at 6:30. And then we had to look for my keys, which we never did that night. I borrowed a front door key from my neighbor and left my apartment door unlocked. I finally found my keys Saturday morning. They had fallen into a plastic bag on the floor. How that happened I have no clue. I was convinced that I left them in the door and somebody had taken them. *sigh*

I really need to clean my apartment up. Maybe then this won't happen again. It has become such a daunting task. I started to clean on Saturday while looking for my keys, but gave up after I found them. I hate my mental illnesses.

I bought a bunch of fabric on Saturday to make 2 more dresses with. I am making one for my stepmom out of dark lavender calicos and one for myself out of bright red and orange calicos. :) I can't wait to get them done. I bought a bunch of patters also. I decided to make the bodices of my dresses fitted instead of just a tube of fabric. I think it will look nicer. So some of the patterns that I bought were sundresses that I plan on modifying. This is still a grand experiment, but if it works it should be pretty cool. :)

Tonight is Goth Night at the Kastle. I don't know if I am going to dress up or not. Right now I don't really feel like it, but you never know how I will feel when it comes time to get dressed. I think I am just going to wear jeans and a black t-shirt. Nothing is clean since Ran never showed up to take me to do laundry the other day. *sigh*

Laundry tomorrow, rain or shine. I am working with Karen tomorrow so I can do my laundry at her house and also wash the new fabric for the dresses. I have to get going on the dress and shirt for my parents. Their birthdays were in the beginning of February. I decided that these would be a really late birthday gift and an early Easter gift. I really like the fabric for my dad's shirt. It is a really pretty blue batik. It looks like it has rain marks on it. I love it and I hope that he will like it also.

Jewelry production is progressing. I just got an ArtBin organizer for my beads and cord and tools and stuff...

I really like it. It holds all of my stuff that I need for making my jewelry. I was hoping that this was incentive to make more since I spent $25 on it. I took the thread caddy out since I didn't need it for jewelry stuff, but decided to use it separately in my sewing drawer for all of my thread. Go figure. LOL.

Well that is about it for today. Off to go eat and get ready for tonight. :P TTFN!

Been A While...

2005-03-04T18:17:00.000-06:00

I have been having problems posting to IGPS, so I moved my blog over to blogspot. At least I can post there. I have tried to contact the admin of my site to get this resolved, but to noavail. So I moved to a new home. I just got finished updating BlogRoll and Blog Explosion. Easier than I thought. :)

I got ditched today again by Ran. *rolls eyes* This will be the last time I ask him to help me do anything. I am sitting here with 2 large piles of laundry and no way to do them. *sigh* It's not like I ask for much. This is the second time this week this has happened with him. I guess I am not as important as his bed or his other friends. He probably slept all day again.

So here I am waiting on him to pick me up for Sci-Fi Friday. He is 45 minutes late for that also. I have a feeling he is not coming. Not that I can't just watch all those shows here on cable, but it is nice to be with the group on Fridays. He is probably still asleep or else he is avoiding me. Jason says to give him till 6:30 and then he will come get me.

I hate not having a car. I need to do stuff like laundry and grocery shopping and going to the Y to sign up for a scholarship. We were even going to run erends for Ran today, like getting him a phone. So it was not all about me.

Well he is not coming to get me. Phil is. Thank God. I hate spending my evenings alone. I want a car!!! GRRRR...

Another Choker

2005-02-22T17:05:00.000-06:00

I have been feeling really creative lately. :P So here is another choker. I made one like it for my Aunt's birthday but didn't get a picture, so I recreated it.

I love making them!!!

New Choker

2005-02-20T23:47:00.000-06:00

I made a new choker today. I am really happy with it. I used black craft cord, rose quartz beads and tourquoise beads. Here are the pics...

I hope to share more as time goes on. I just got a bunch of supplies. :)

I got inspired...

2005-02-17T21:10:00.000-06:00

I just made this today. It took me hours to make. Well ok I kept taking breaks. :P I wanted to make a choker but I didn't cut the cord long enough. I started it in hemp, but the hemp twine I have is really fuzzy so it didn't look right, so I went with the black cord. I am really happy with the way that it turned out.

So here it is. Enjoy!

Day From Hell...

2005-02-15T22:12:00.000-06:00

About a month ago the premium on my Medicaid went up to $113.00. While this may not seem like a lot, it is when you only make disability pay. So I dropped Medicaid thinking that Medicare would cover everything that I needed. Boy was I wrong.

I got the bill for my meds today when I went to the pharmacy to refill them, and found out that Medicare does not cover prescription drugs. My meds cost $300.00. I about has a heart attack. So I went to work with Karen and got on the phone to my case worker at BJC. She tells me that I can call a pharmacy called Med Store and they will fax the bill to my Medicaid case worker and that that will meet my premium for the month, and that because of that I wont have to pay the $113.00 each month. Easy enough.

So I place a call to my doctors office to have them call this Med Store place to put a new prescription in for me. I find out that my doctor, who is really reliable, is on vacation. Someone else is covering for him. So I leave a message for this other doctor to call me about this since I am out of my crazy meds. (All the while I am in tears from being so frustrated about all this.) So I never hear back from this doctor. I called again to the clinic and get a really rude attendant who tells me that she left the message for the doctor already to call me.

Then my social worker from BJC calls to talk to me again to see how things are going. She tells me after an hour to call the doctors office again. She also informs me that she called the pharmacy to give them a heads up that this was going down. Still no sign of a phone call from the doctor. I call again. This time I get a different attendant and I explain my situation again and leave the pharmacy number for the doctor.

After a bit I call the pharmacy to see if the doctor has called. I am informed that he has but he didn't know what I needed prescribed. No call to me from the doctor to find out what I needed. So now it is 4:30 and I call the doctor's office again and they are gone for the day. Ack!

Meanwhile I am still frustrated and having emotional trouble from all the stress that this is causing. I then find out from the new pharmacy that it will take 5 days to get the order paid from Medicaid. So I will be without meds for at least that long. OMG!

Now last week I knew that I might have problems with Medicare not paying for meds, and my dad tells me that he will pay for it THIS month. This morning when I called him to confirm this I get a lecture about how this is really uncool, and that I should not have asked. What am I going to do?

So at dinner tonight my dad and I talked some more about what happened today with all the run around. He tells me that he will pay for the prescription this once so that I have my meds for this month. We decided that the only payment is that I don't let this happen again. Fair enough. I am getting my meds one way or another. We also decided that I should go ahead and get the other set of meds from the Med Store anyway, so that I know how this works for next time. So I will have a two month supply for backup. Good plan.

Moral of the story, the government sucks. The other moral, don't let yourself run out of drugs that you need to function day to day. I am really glad that my dad was willing to help this time. Although it came at a steep price. He doesn't like it when I need something other than a weekly dinner from him. We get along as long as I am handling my own affairs. Which I usually do just fine. I just got confused about all this bureaucratic stuff this time. The good news is, I will have Medicaid back since the cost of the meds takes care of the deductible each month. PHEW! The bad news is, that I can never ask for a favor again.

I just thought of another moral. Don't wait until the day you run out of meds to try and get it taken care of. I learned a lot today. I also was reminded of the reasons that I am on the drugs in the first place. I can't handle stress at all without crying and getting angry. What a day. I am drained in every way possible. But I did finish my dress today. Even if one pocket is higher then the other. :P

New Projects

2005-02-15T21:39:00.000-06:00

Well I finally have pics of the new corset.

And the dress that I just finished today. :)

I wore the dress tonight to dinner. :)

New, new dress ideas

2005-02-02T03:08:00.000-06:00

I have completely redone the dresses. I put them on a to scale model and re-did most of the designs. I am much happier with the way they all look now. :)

http://www.igps.org/fraggle/dressideas/

So take a look. :)

Off to bed. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ