One More Friday Night....

Well, I met my new doctor today. He's ok. Asked all the pertinent question like: Do I get messages from the radio or TV, or do I still see stuff moving around... You know all the questions to ascertain whether or not I am crazy. LOL. Well I don't get messages from the TV or Radio, but I do still see stuff moving around. Hehehehe...

So anyway he was pretty ok. I guess I can get along with him. I will only have him for a year, then I can switch back to my old doctor when he goes into private practice. :)

Sci-fi Friday was tonight. The lineup is Stargate SG1, Stargate Atlantis, then Battlestar Galactica. I like where they are going with Atlantis, plus they introduced a great looking guy in the form of a new character tonight. Dreamy hippie boy. I am not sure how I feel about where they are going with SG1. It is really religious. But I will keep watching cause I am a loyal fan and have been with them since the beginning 8 seasons ago. Yes we are on season 9 now. :) And of course Galactica just ROCKS!

I am feeling really anxious tonight and I can't figure out why. I am restless and stressed out. I have no idea what brought this on. Hmmmm... *shrug* I am also feeling really lonely tonight. As I sit here listening to my music and making mixed lists for the party we are going to have in September I am feeling really lonesome. So I am anxious about something, restless, and lonely. Not a good combination. Hopefully I will be able to sleep tonight. I probably shouldn't have had that last soda at 11pm this evening. I have 2 20 ounces earlier. So I am pretty wired. I just couldn't help myself. We went to the coffee house. Ack! Oh well at least I didn't get espresso or something. Then I would be up all night.

I found out that I lost my dress that I made. I think I left it at the hotel in Philly. :( So I have to call them on Monday and see if they have it. *fingers crossed* I have also been thinking of all the important things I have lost over the years. Like family photos, favorite clothes, books, cd's, all kinds of stuff just scattered to the winds. It really makes me sick thinking about it.

I don't want to be sick. I want to be normal and live normally. I want to earn a living with something that I enjoy doing and get off of disability. :( That's the only thing that is keeping me afloat right now though. Without it I couldn't pay my bills and I would be out on the street or in the hospital.

I had a dream the other night that I was in a group home. It scared the shit out of me. That is the place that I will have to go if I can't make my life work out as it is. It is a scary thought. Living with one crazy person is bad enough but to have to live in a housefull of them would be bad beyond words. The shelter was bad enough. And I was there for a year. Living with 30 other women and then 10 other women in the transitional housing. No privacy, always having to wait for someone else to be done eating or showering or going to the bathroom. It really made me appreciate my privacy. It also made me really good with my money. I realized that I had hit rock bottom, and I never want to be there again. Ever. I have learned to be self sufficient finally. It only took 28 years. Now the trick is maintaining this self sufficiency.

I am hanging on pretty good. But if I have another episode like last year I don't know what I am going to do. There is something to be said about proper medication and even ECT. I think it really helped. I am not sure I would have been able to pull out of the depression last year without it. At least not as quickly. I still have memory problems. I ran into a girl that I apparently know from the gaming shop and had no clue who she was. I felt so bad. I think I did a pretty good job of lying that I remembered her though. We talked for a while. I have the problem a lot. I forget names and faces all the time. I also apparently forget appointments and things like that. I have to write everything down. That is the only drawback that I can see though.

It's been a long road to where I am. I have been mentally ill all of my life. It has only been in the past 3 years that I have gotten help with it though. I have never been stable. So this new found stability is good. I am holding on to it really hard though. I mostly just get anxious and a little depressed these days. The days of crying all the time seem to be gone. Mostly I just get nostalgic and melancholy.

I am hoping to try school again in the spring. I think if I take like 2 classes I will be able to handle it. I have to get my GPA up so that I can transfer somewhere to get my degree in wither costuming of fashion design. I want to learn how to draft patterns. That is many years away though. For now I am learning from Karen and picking stuff up on my own. I bought a serger yesterday with the settlement money that I got. I also bought a bunch of fabric. I have a few projects in mind to make for Archon. A Space invaders patchwork dress, a paneled skirt with the gate address for Atlantis around the bottom, and a paneled skirt with the original star trek emblems around the bottom. I hope they turn out ok. I am really excited about all three. So I will be a busy bee over the next few months. Now if only I can get myself motivated to actually make them. Heh.

I started working on my website from which I hope to sell my clothing from someday. It is turning out really well so far. I am noticing a theme with my website lately though. Black and purple. Oh well it works. I like purple and black a lot. So I go with what works. I will keep you posted when it is up and running. I hope that by October I will have something to put up there. :)

Anywho... I am off to bed now. I feel loads better from getting things off my chest. Someday I will write down the whole story. But until then I am content to write it in pieces. Nighty night world. As my mother used to say: I go off to sleep in the arms of Morpheus.

Back Again...

Well I survived Philly. We got back on the 4th of July. The wedding was wonderful, and so was the reception. I got to see everyone and meet a few newcomers to the family. I managed to hold it together until Sunday, then I had an emotional crash. I feel really bad about that but it was to be expected. I just got overwhelmed.

I did get to have a Philly cheese steak and a couple of Philly soft pretzels. So all in all it was a good trip. Although I don't think I will be going anywhere anytime soon. I like being home.

I got a call from my lawyer this week. He said that I am getting my settlement from the accident that we were in 3 years ago. It's not much after doctor bills are paid from that accident but it is something. I am planning on buying a serger and some fabric so that I can make a few dresses for Archon this year. And of course I am going to save the rest for a rainy day. :)

I am really looking forward to getting my serger. I can finally start sewing for real. I think that will be good for me to turn out some clothing to sell at the con. The first one I want to make is the Space Invaders dress. I cant wait to see how it turns out. Of course I may not be able to part with it. LOL.

Ran and I had our first fight the other day. I came in from running errands, and said "Hi. Man, it's fucking hot out there." He just sat there looking at the TV like he didn't hear me. So I went into the back and dropped off my stuff in my room and came back out, and very quietly asked if he wasn't talking to me or something. He blew up at me. I am talking full out screaming. So I disappeared into the back and took a shower and cried a bit. Then I decided to write him a letter since he obviously couldn't talk to me. I basically told him that I wasn't trying to "bust his chops" as he so eloquently put it. I told him that we have to live together and that I was sorry if he is feeling bad and has been for weeks now but that didn't give him the right to take it out on me. I said some other stuff also, but I don't remember what all I wrote in the letter. So I wrote his name on the front and put to read it not to rip it up and came out and gave it to him. Then I went into my room and read for a while. When I came back out he apologized.

I know he is sick, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with him. I wish he could learn that we are here for him and that he is not alone. He doesn't have to go through life alone. I am seriously starting to regret moving in with him, but I know we can make this work. We have to make this work. And he has to understand that I have my problems also. Perhaps I am not as broken as he is, and I have some of the skills I need to deal with my illness, but I need to know that there are people there for me as well.

Maybe I should call this blog how to deal with depressed and psychotic people. I don't know that seems like all I write about. I guess that's not really true, but it is such a big part of my life. It's just nice to have somewhere to vent my emotions and thoughts. So bear with me folks.

Did I mention that it is hot as Hades in St. Louis now. Summer has come. And it is muggy and miserable. I want to move to Maine. LOL. Just kidding. I just hate this month long stretch that they call the "Dog Days of Summer". We still don't have and A/C unit for the living room so it has been a contest to see just how little we can move. For the most part I am in good spirits though. Meds must be working nicely. Ran on the other hand (as I mentioned before) is not dealing with the heat well. His temper has been running hot. I guess that's why he blew up the other day.

So I guess that pretty much brings up up to date. I am done bitching for the evening and I think I am going to go watch "History Of The World: Part I". Nighty night all.