New Years Resolutions And Stuff

Well we are headed to Montauk State Park for New Year's Eve. We are leaving tomorrow morning after shopping for food. It should be fun although I wish I had someone to take this year. It's all couples that are going, including my ex and his new girlfriend. Should be interesting, even if it will be a little lonely. I will try to remember to take my camera so that I can post the pics afterwards. We are staying in cabins so none of this cold weather camping for us (even if it was 60 degrees today).

I feel better now that I made it through Christmas. All in all I had a pretty good holiday. This marks the first time in years that I wasn't falling apart when the holidays hit. This must be a testament as to just how stable I have become over the last two years. Before that I was a mess.

My doctor and I had talked about changing my medications around come January. He suggested dropping the risperdal. I am not sure how I feel about that, although it might be what is causing my insomnia and weight gain. The anti-depressant we are definitely keeping. I am on Nortriptyline.

We talked about why the holidays have affected me in the past. A big part of it was memories of Christmas' spent as a family (me, mom, dad). After my mother died my dad and I kind of stopped doing holidays. Then he met my stepmom and we started spending holidays with her family. Now, after five years of that, I am starting to feel like they are my family also. It helped that I was invited to both family dinners even though my dad and stepmom are in Prague for Christmas this year.

Every year it seems like it gets a little easier to deal with the holidays, although just once I would love to have someone special to spend them with. Anyway, that is all about the holidays. I will let you know how New Year's goes when I get back next week. In the meantime check out our clothing web site: Curious Cat Clothing and have a great New Year. :)

My Favorite Dead song...

"Sugar Magnolia/Sunshine Daydream"
Words by Robert Hunter and Robert Weir

Sugar Magnolia blossom's blooming
Head's all empty and I don't care
Saw my baby down by the river
Knew she'd have to come up soon for air

Sweet blossom come on under the willow
We can have high times if you'll abide
We can discover the wonders of nature
Rolling in the rushes down by the riverside

She's got everything delightful
She's got everything I need
Takes the wheel when I'm seeing double
Pays my ticket when I speed

She come skimming through rays of violet
She can wade in a drop of dew
She don't come and I don't follow
Waits backstage while I sing to you

She can dance a Cajun rhythm
Jump like a Willys in four wheel drive
She's a summer love in the spring, fall and winter
She can make happy any man alive

Sugar magnolia
Ringin' that blue bell
Caught up in sunlight
Come on out singing
I'll walk you in the sunshine
Come on honey, come along with me

She's got everything delightful
She's got everything I need
A breeze in the pines in the summer night moonlight
Crazy in the sunlight yes indeed

Sometimes when the cuckoo's crying
When the moon is halfway down
Sometimes when the night is dying
I take me out and I wander round
I wander round

Sunshine daydream
Walk you the tall trees
Going where the wind goes
Blooming like a red rose
Breathing more freely
Light out singing
I'll walk you in the morning sunshine
Sunshine daydream
Walk you in the sunshine

Christmas Day Eve

Well I survived Christmas. :) We had a family dinner again tonight and I actually had fun. Then I got dropped off at home. I called my friend Mark and we made plans to go to Jake's Leg at Magee's again. (In case the reader doesn't know, Jake's Leg is St. Louis' #1 Grateful Dead cover band.)

Mark picked me up in his semi cab. That was kind of fun. I have never ridden in one before. His had a bed and closets and was really roomy. LOL.

We got to Magee's around 10:30. Tonight wasn't nearly as packed as Thursday night was. Which was nice, I even got to sit down for once which was good because I did something to my knee today and can barely walk on it... Anyway back to Leg...

Tonight they played a really bluesy set. We walked in on them playing Eyes of the World, then they played China Cat Sunflower. Then some songs that I don't know the names to, but here are the ones that I did know that they played tonight (in no particular order):Turn On Your Lovelight, Franklin's Tower, Sugaree, Samson and Delilah, The Women Are Smarter, Then they plated a Phish song (Heavy Things). They closed the night with a rocking rendition of Bertha. The show tonight was more of a jam show than usual. It was really nice. :) I just wish I knew the names of all the songs so that I could give a complete set list.

Well I just looked and nobody is keeping a set list archive for Jake's Leg. That is a shame. If I could get to their shows each week I would do it, but without a car or a ride I just can't make it up there very often. *sigh*

It feels good to have been able to go see Jake's Leg twice in one week. It is one of my favorite things to do. Plus as an added bonus I got to see "Barcode Boy" (we think his name is John, I like my name better :P ). He is nice to look at and has a barcode tattooed on the back of his neck (thus the nickname). Must have been a Darkangel fan. :)

I really miss being able to go out places. No one will go out with me, except Karen. We go to Goth night twice a month, I really like that too. Although I think I have more fun at Magee's for Jake's Leg. More my speed. I really like live music. I miss having a car to be able to go where I want when I want. Of course, part of my new years resolution is to put away money for a car and insurance and all that good stuff. I am going to look into getting a part time job to be able to pay for all that also. I have to look into that though because of my disability payments... I have to be careful what I make a month, and I don't think that I am capable of holding a full time job anymore. Hey maybe I can get a job at the YMCA and then my membership would be free. LOL. Actually I was thinking that I might be able to get my job at Wolf Camera back. I will have to call Allison at the beginning of the year to see if that is possible.

So many New Year's resolutions. My main one is to lose 100 pounds be next October. I will have to keep journals on my progress. :) That would be nice to be able to look back at come next year. Anyway I think that I will continue my lyrics and song search for the songs that I heard tonight and didn't know what they were... The Annotated Grateful Dead Lyrics is a great place. Off I go.

Christmas Time...

Well, here it is Christmas Eve. My dad is stuck in Atlanta waiting on a flight to New York and then to London and then to Prague. They called and left a message this afternoon to say Merry Christmas. I am waiting on a ride from my stepmom's parents so that we can go to church and then to dinner with the rest of her family. I feel a little wierd about going since my dad is not going to be there, but I guess it will be ok. :P

Last night we went to Jake's Leg's pre-Christmas show at Magee's. The place was packed. And the show was great. They went with a bluesier set then usual. I wish I was better about keeping a set list, but they played all kinds of neat stuff. Like: Tennessee Jed, Bertha, Shakedown Street, Scarlet Begonias, Eyes of the World, Broke-down Palace, Loose Lucy, Uncle John's Band, and When Push Comes to Shove. I can't remember what else they played, but all in all the show rocked. I am planning on going to the show tomorrow night after dinner also, so we will see how that goes.
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I just got back from dinner. YUMMY! Turkey and potatos and green bean casserol, and cake, and presents. So the holidays aren't so bad. I felt a little wierd being there at first, but I got over it. :) Going to more family dinner tomorrow night, mmmmmm.

Insomnia...

Well I am home from the Goth Anti-Christmas party at Magnolias. I have been home for about 2 hours now and can't sleep. Mostly because I am sweating... I turned the heat up this morning because it was freezing in here, but I guess it went up to high. It is hard to gage these things with a baseboard heater. Oh well. Turned it down so hopefully that will help.

I had a fun night at the Anti-Christmas party. I got to talk to some people that I never talk to on a normal night at the club. That was kind of cool. I made some new friends tonight. :) Karen and John and I were vending tonight and we sold 2 corsets. Not bad for a free evening. I wasn't going to get dressed up, but I am glad I did. I wore my dragonfly corset with a green chemise top and a black skirt. Oh, and my kitty cat shoes. I fixed my hair, and got told by several people that I looked really cute. YAY! I like that, it is good for my self esteem.

Well that is all I have to report tonight. I am going to try to go to bed again now that it is cooling off in here.
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I found this joke on Bob Rivers web site... Pretty cute... Did I mention I can't sleep and it's 5 in the morning...:P

The chicken and the horse

One day a horse and chicken were getting along beautifully in the meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and begins sinking. The chicken goes to get some help. He runs to a farmhouse and jumps in the family BMW, drives back to the mud hole, and ties some rope around the bumper and throws the other end to the horse. The chicken drives forward and saves the horse from sinking. Smart chicken.

A few days later, the chicken and the horse were playing again in the meadow. This time the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled for help. Get me some help from the farmer. The horse said, I'm going to stand over the hole. So the horse stretches his large body over the hole. Grab on chicken. Grab them and pull yourself up. The chicken did and was saved.

Moral of the story - If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Tears For Fears!!!

Today turned out to be a great day, even if it did start out a little rocky. I woke up at noon (early for me) and called Ran, then he came over and we went and did laundry. Thank God, I needed to do it. I smashed my head while we were there and that put me in a really bad mood... Worse than I was already in.

After Laundry we came back to my house so that I could change into said clean clothes, I can't were plaid, flannel shirts in public except to do laundry. Then I suggested that we go to the South City Diner for lunch (breakfast actually). So then I was in a much better mood. Finally. So we jumped back to Ran's to meet John, but he had already stopped by and missed us by about 10 minutes. So we went over there. After singing several versus of the Doom song from Invader Zim (This always makes me giggle like a little school girl).

We hung out with John for a bit, and then John left to go get the babysitter. We left for the Pageant at about 6. By the time we got there it was standing room only, but I was in a really good mood. A bunch of bands played. All were very good.

Then THEY came on... Tears For Fears. And the played all the songs I really wanted to hear. And I cried during Mad World. LOL. They just ROCKED!!! And the crowd was awesome, and the band was awesome, and the evening was awesome... They played a couple of songs off of their new album, which was cool. They still have a great chemistry. And they played all of their greatest hits. They closed their set with Shout. Did I mention that they ROCKED! I never thought I would ever get to see Tears For Fears live.... Like Oh My God!!!!!!! For Sure, Dude!!! I hurt all over from dancing. I am getting so old.

We just got back from Chris' Diner, and more breakfast for me. This time it was a French Slam. Yummy! I am in a really good mood right now. It is nice to see that I can come out of my funk every once in a while... :P

My Apartment

Well... This is for Chasmyn. This is a follow up to her comment to Yesterday's post. :P

Hopefully this will be a before and after type of thing, since I am going to try to capitalize on this break in my depression cycle and clean this place!!! I can't live with it anymore.

Well kids here is what depression does...

My Bathroom

My bed area...

My desk and closet area... Notice all the cans.

My kitchen area.

I am in a one room apartment so this should be easy right? :P This was a just for fun... I will post the clean pics when I get around to cleaning....

Hitting Bottom...

Wow, it has been a while since I have sat down at my computer to do anything. I have like a million e-mail messages, all junk of course... I am hitting bottom on the whole holiday depression thing. This is certainly not the worse I have ever been, but it is pretty bad. I have been trying to do stuff to keep busy, but have managed to get hooked on TV instead. It is easier than getting out of bed.

I did go to work today, but that is only once a week. It feels good to get out of the house. I wish I had a car. *sigh* Wednesday's and Friday's are spent at friend's houses watching TV (Go figure). That is about all that I do these days. Watch TV. Law and Order when I get up, then CSI, then some random movie, and Daria. That is my day.

Tonight I am really feeling it. Course there is no one to call at this hour other than the Behavioral Response Hotline and all they will suggest is to go to the hospital. Fat lot of good incarceration will do me. Tomorrow is my doctors appointment. We will see what he has to say when I tell him where I went tonight.

I had a daydream that I killed myself. Haven't had one of those in a long time. Don't really want to do it. But if I tell that Response Line that I even thought of it they will send the men in white coats again. NOT kidding.

I need to remember not to watch depressing movies when I feel like this. I made the mistake of watching Thirteen tonight. What a mistake.

Why is it that I only write in this thing when I am depressed?

Sometimes I just want to get away from it all. If I go back to the hospital they will try to zap my head again and I just can't go through it again. I have ceased to be able to take care of the stupid daily matinance tasks like cleaning my house. I did pay my bills this month so I must be doing something right. The trash in this place is piling up. I don't know what to do about it, I get anxiety attacks every time I look at the mess. I have to do laundry, and have no way to get to the Laundromat. I am falling apart, spiraling down.

Let's see what else I can screw up in my life. GRRRRR!!!! I was doing so well.

I am sure to the normal people, like my dad, this all seems silly. Why can't I just get it together and take care of myself? Like it is that easy. I wish it was. The holidays suck!!! The holidays suck!!! The holidays suck!!! And once more, the holidays SUCK!!!

Well that is all... Going to bed now so that I can get up tomorrow and watch more TV.