Fall Camping Trip

We went camping this weekend for John's birthday. I really needed that although I am very tired today. I ended up taking a nap this afternoon and woke up at 5:30 pm when my dad called to say that he was on his way to pick me up for dinner.

Ran and I got to the Siver Mines State Park campground at about 4:30 pm on Friday afternoon. We got set up and started a fire. Everyone else came around 7 pm. On Saturday we went to Elephant Rocks State Park and climbed up the rocks. We hiked the main trail after that and had lunch. Steve cooked all of the meals for us so we feasted all weekend.

On Sunday we hiked up to the Silver Mine's entrance. It was a lot of climbing and trecherous walking, but we made it there and back in one piece. The river would be a great place to swim next summer. So we are going to plan a trip for that. Too cold to swim this time of the year. I stuck my hands in the river and it was freezing. lol.

I love camping, especially in the fall. It got down to the low 30's on Saturday night/Sunday morning. Very cold. My piggie toes were freezing. I hope to have the pics posted on my site either today or tomorrow so check back later. The pic at the top is of me at Elephant Rocks. :)

Here is another one...

Here is another song that I, for some reason that I don't want to get into, really relate to...

Tears For Fears - Mad World

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces

Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere
Going nowhere

Their tears are filling up their glasses
no expression
No expression

Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
no tomorrow
No tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which i'm dying
Are the best i've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Mad world
Mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday
Happy birthday

Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen
Sit and listen

Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me
No one knew me

Now the teacher tells me what's my lesson
Look right through me
Look right through me

And I find it kind of funny...

My New Favorite Song...

I think I have found one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard... or perhaps it is just a reflection of the nostalgic, mushy mood I have been in lately.

"My Immortal" By Evanescence

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase


When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You can watch the video here...

Ho Hum....

Well Karen is sick so we might not be working tomorrow. She said that I could come over and work if I wanted, but I told her that if she was sick I didn't want it. :P So, it looks like I will have another day of sitting around and playing on the internet. I found a really interesting blog tonight by Slinka so i added it to my links list. The list is growing slowly.

As you can see the website is coming along. I am not sure about the color scheme, I think i may try purple and green instead since those are my favorite colors. I have really been into red and pink lately though. So we will see. I think I like the way it looks now. I added more pictures of Archon under the title of Karen's Photos. They are, like the title says, the pics that Karen took from the con. Some are repeats, but most are new. There are a bunch of photos of our corsets that we sell.

Karen said that the busks for the corsets shipped today, so my corset will have a front closure. YAY! I can't wait to get started on it. I hope I can have it done by the Nightmare Ball.

I found some really neat corset websites tonight at the Consortium. It is a webring of corset sellers and lovers. I will warn you some of the sites border on what the mundanes would call pornography, but most a really tasteful. Many pictures to be seen. I found some interesting articles on waist training and corset wear so that was pretty cool.

But any-who.... I am off to bed now, since I may have to work in the morning if Karen is feeling well. :) See you all later.

Hugs and small waists,
Me :)

Trying Something New.

So I came out of my funk yesterday. I feel much better about life in general. So much so that I decided to overhaul my website, and go with something a little more upbeat than the red and black that I had. I was surfing local sites today and came across Tory Z. Starbuck's website. I was inspired by the look of the site. However upon playing with the design I ended up coming up with something totally original. :) I like it when that happens. So now that I have the design down I am changing the rest of the pages to match.

And since we are on the subject of trying something new, I went fabric shopping with Karen on Monday. I picked up some camouflage material and some green silk. I am going to start my first sewing project on Thursday. I am being a little ambitious with it, but if I am careful I know I can pull it off. I am making a camouflage corset and an olive green silk skirt to match. I have decided to bind the corset in black satin to give it a bit of contrast. I will post pics in my photo album of the finished project. :) Hopefully it will be done for the Nightmare Ball on the 25th of October.The busks (front closure) are on back order from a Farthingale's. Keep you fingers crossed.

Karen and I also picked up the most adorable pink leopard print feux fur. We are planning to make a corset out of it also so I will have to post pics of that also when it is finished.

Well it feels good to feel "normal again". I like that fact that if I just run with my moods that eventually I come back from the edge. I am able to pull out much quicker these days. :) Well anyway I am off to bed now... I think I have an appointment tomorrow. :P

See Ya! L8!

P.S Here is Tory's Main site...
In case you are interested. He is an interesting fellow.

Everything Changes....

Time changes everything. I think back to ten years ago and remember all the fun times I had with my friends. The parties, game nights, coffee houses, bars, camping trips to the farm. It seems as we get older the less and less we hang out anymore. It makes me sad that the solidarity and camaraderie that was there is all but gone now. We tried to hold on for a while, but just couldn't.

I have been feeling very nostalgic lately. Remembering the good times that I had with my friends, wishing that I could get some piece of that back. It is not to be though, as people move on, grow up, settle into careers and families. I feel left behind. Like I am a failure in some way.

I used to be creative and fun loving and carefree. I need a purpose. God this sounds do depressing... Maybe I need to get my meds changed again. Ah well... Good night.

How To Deal

I just watched the sweetest movie called "How To Deal". I am a sucker for romantic movies... and this one didn't disappoint. Although it hit a little to close to home with some of the subject matter for my tastes.

I often wonder if my life would be drastically different if I hadn't gotten pregnant when I was 17 and had the baby, or if I had chosen to keep him rather than giving him up for adoption. I know that I made the right choice in that decision, but I can't help wondering where I would be if I never had him. He just turned 10, I haven't seen pictures of him since he was 3. I wonder what he is doing, what he is into, what he looks like now. *sigh*

Then there is always the issue of my mother. How would my life be different if she hadn't dies when I was 18. Would we be friends now? Would I even know the people that I call my family? I remember an incident with my father, when I was getting treatment for depression in the hospital, and he told me that if this depression was over my mother that I needed to get over it. Just like that. I needed to get over it. I am sure that some of this is because of that, but most of it is just how I deal with things.

I have been really down lately. Not crying down, but just depressed. Thinking back to events on my life, wishing that I could go back and change things. Wishing that I had someone other than my shrink to talk to, that could truly understand what I am going through. I think I am lonely. I want so desperately to have a normal life. To go back to school and do well, to get a job in the real world, to do fun things. I want people to go out with like I used to. I want to fall in love and have a relationship. I want so many things for myself that I just don't feel like I can have.

Now I feel like crying. LOL. I am such a sentimentalist. Everyday I learn a new way to deal with myself. A friend told me the other day that I had to just stop being depressed. Just like that. Like I had control over how I feel. That is what I get from most people when I tell them that I suffer from depression. Just get over it. It makes me really mad, I can no more control how I feel from day to day than I can control the weather.

I take medication and go through ECT for what? So that I can feel "normal". What is normal? That is something that I have never been... No status quo here. I can't change the past and perhaps I can't change the future either. I try to believe that everything that happens to us happens for a reason. Although I am thinking lately that that is not true. Things just happen because. The choices that we make definitely dictate the future, but we are not predestined to make those choices are we? They wouldn't be choices then would they?

I feel empty. Like I have no substance. There is nothing that makes me go. Nothing to look forward to from day to day. One day is just like that last. I have no drive anymore. There are things that I like to do... but I can't do them anymore. I feel like a loser. L:| Well that is enough self-loathing for one night I guess.

I know that our lives are what we make of them. But I am not in a position to make anything of myself. Excuses, excuses. It's true though. Nothing can change the fact that I am mentally ill. I try to keep up with medication and stuff, but it seems to not work after a while. Maybe I get used to the meds and build up a tolerance to them, who knows. I wish that I had something to look forward to. Something other than waking up and having my first smoke and soda of the day. Something other than cribbage on-line. Oh well. Life is what we make of it I suppose. And I have made a mess of mine.

Archon 28 - The Aftermath

Well I survived another Archon. And managed to have a whole bunch of fun.

I got to the con an Thursday evening and ran into my friends Timmy and Cara, so I spent the evening with them. I don't think I stopped laughing all night. We met up with Jonathan, and had a blast.

Friday I got up around noon, and wandered down to the convention center to find John and Karen so that we could set up our booth for the weekend. I found John, and started setting up. Then Karen came and we finished setting up. THe dealers room opened at 2, and we sold a leather corset within the first 15 minutes of opening. Friday was a great day for selling our shirts and horns also.

Friday night I found myself with Timmy and Cara again, and as usual had a blast. I wore my brocade corset until about 3 when i got Timmy to help me out of it... that was a fun time. lol.

Saturday dawned bright and chilly and I wandered down to the dealers room at about 1. Neither Karen nor I sat down for the next 4 hours we were so busy. When the dealers room closed at 6 we had to rush to the wedding in the courtyard of the hotel and take pics of the dress that Karen made of the bride. Then it was off to the Green Room to get ready for the Masquerade. We met John there.

The masquerade was quite and experience. It was the first time that I was in one. I am usually really shy about going on stage for any reason, but this time it was ok. We went on without a hitch. Our skit was that I was dressing Karen on stage in her 1904 dress and that John was waiting for her to get ready. We had a lot of compliments afterwards on the skit and overall presentation. We won best tailoring. So not only did I do my first Masquerade, I got an award for it also. :)

After the Masquerade Karen and I went to get ready for the evening. I wore me leather corset and pink plaid miniskirt along with my leather bikers jacket and goggles. I ran into all kinds of people that I haven't seen for a while and danced my butt off.

Sunday we sold even more horns in the dealers room. We closed at 2 and packed up to go home. My dad came and got me at 3 and we went to dinner at his house for my birthday.

All in all i had a really good weekend. There were some yucky spots, but they didn't last long and I got over them quickly. The next con will be 12th Night in January. I am looking forward to doing that also. I love Archon!!!!