I tried...

I tried to go to sleep tonight. Alas it eludes me. I can't help thinking of my cousin Mike. How cute he was as a kid. What a fat baby he was. All the times I tormented him as a kid. Playing with him. Cuddling him as a baby on my lap. That is about all I can remember of him. I haven't seen him in a long time.

I got a letter from my Aunt today informing me that Mike has passed away this July. I had a good cry about it, called my dad to tell him about it, we were shocked together on the phone.

I have lost so many family members over my life time. Starting with Uncle David, then we stopped talking to the rest of the family for a while. Then my mom died, then we really lost touch with everyone. Nobody's fault really. I just get emotional when I think of family.

I never thought that I would gain a family when my dad remarried. But they have taken me in and made me feel welcome. And for that I am glad. I was a wreck when they got married. I remember that vividly. I never thought my dad would get remarried. I am glad that he did. I really like Debbie and they are happy together. Still I can't help wondering if he misses mom at all. I sure do. I wish she was around to share stuff with. Debbie can never take the place of her.

It was nice to hear from my aunt today even if it was bad news. I havn't seen her in over 7 years. Maybe longer, I can't remember. I sent her an email since that was the only contact info that she gave me, other then my cousin Michelle's phone number (whom I am calling tomorrow from dad's house - pesky thing not having log distance service on my phone).

Where has all my family gone?

Well anyway... enough of that. Archon draws nearer and nearer. I had so many things I wanted to make to sell for it, but I am finding that I was being over ambitious. So I am going to just make 2 skirts to start with and go from there. I will make more pieces as I have time. There are only 2 weeks left though. Yipes! I am really excited about Archon this year. Of course I say that every year. I look forward to it cause I get to see people that I only see once a year there. Like Cat and Dave, and Cara and Timmy, oh and Jack (my "old" man hehehehe). :) Although hopefully I will be seeing more of Cara this year. We have been talking through YIM.

We have so many shirts made to sell this year. OMG... I have cut out 20 of them so far. And Karen has caught up to me. So I have 3 more to cut out then I am done. LOL... So much work to do so little time.

I started reading the "Sandman" series from Neil Gaimen. So far I love it. They do a Mid Summers Night Dream" issue that was just awesome. Karen has them in 10 volumes , hardbound. What a great series. Basically it is about Morphious (sp?) who is the Lord of Dreams. It follows him through many centuries, and shows how he helps people and hurts them. It is a neat concept. And a great story. Oh and his sister Death is a Goth chick. LOL. I love her!

Ah well I am off to read some more and to try to settle my brain. Night all.

Just an update...

I finally got my settlement from an accident that I was in 3 years ago. I ended up buying a serger and a bunch of fabric to make skirts and a dress for Archon (to sell). I still haven't started on them even though I only have a month to go. I am terrified of these machines. LOL. I will have to get over it this week or I won't make my deadline. I am planning on making a bunch of Sci-Fi inspired clothing. I hope they turn out ok.

I made my first button up shirt today. I am almost finished with it. I just have the button holes to do and then the buttons themselves. Other then that it looks like a shirt. :) I am very happy with the way it turned out, although there are mistakes (they aren't visible though) it looks great. I can't wait to get it finished next week and get it to my dad. Then I have to make Debbie's (my stepmom) dress. That will be pretty easy though. At least after the shirt. Then I decided to make everyone clothing for Christmas so I will have to start all that when Archon is over. I might be being really ambitious about all this, but it is worth a try.

I am really looking forward to Archon this year. No particular reason, but it should be fun. I am looking forward to seeing friends that I only get to see once a year at this convention. I of course will have lots of pictures again.

I have been felling a little depressed and unmotivated lately. Just a cycle I guess. My birthday is coming up this month and I always feel yucky as that gets closer. I missed my doctor's appointment for August... Oops. I will have to reschedule for this month. No big deal I guess. I don't really like him any way. I don't deal with change well. Reading about my friend Chasmyn's new family has been a cheering experience though, and I have my dresses to look forward to this coming week. If only I can get motivated to actually do them. *Crosses Fingers*

Life with Ran is still really weird. He has been getting worse since we moved in here. I am beginning to feel like this was a really bad idea. It is too late now though. He isn't talking to me right now cause I took it upon myself to ask our friend Phil if he could do something for Ran. *sigh* I never expected that it would be this bad. He isn't functioning right now. He keeps talking about moving and living on the street. I keep telling him that if he does decide to bail that he has to find a replacement for himself. I don't know what to think. He wont go to the doctor. He wont let me help him with money management (I think that money is the root of his problem). I don't know what to do. I am just tired all the time.

Oh well whining over. I just finished reading the Narnia series and found out that there is a movie coming out in December. I can't wait to see it. :) We say the Brothers Grimm last night and let me tell you if you haven't seen it you should. It was awesome. Creepy, funny, adventurous, just what a Terry Gilliam movie should be.

I still look forward to my days with Karen. We are back to doing just twice a week now. I was putting together out mock up corsets today, as well as finishing my Dad's shirt. I really look forward to going over there. It gets my away from the house for the day and I love spending time with Karen so it's cool. We just watch movies and sew. LOL. What a life.

Well that is about all I am up to. I will try to post about the dresses and skirts as I finish them. I am updated out. LOL. :)

TTFN!

One More Friday Night....

Well, I met my new doctor today. He's ok. Asked all the pertinent question like: Do I get messages from the radio or TV, or do I still see stuff moving around... You know all the questions to ascertain whether or not I am crazy. LOL. Well I don't get messages from the TV or Radio, but I do still see stuff moving around. Hehehehe...

So anyway he was pretty ok. I guess I can get along with him. I will only have him for a year, then I can switch back to my old doctor when he goes into private practice. :)

Sci-fi Friday was tonight. The lineup is Stargate SG1, Stargate Atlantis, then Battlestar Galactica. I like where they are going with Atlantis, plus they introduced a great looking guy in the form of a new character tonight. Dreamy hippie boy. I am not sure how I feel about where they are going with SG1. It is really religious. But I will keep watching cause I am a loyal fan and have been with them since the beginning 8 seasons ago. Yes we are on season 9 now. :) And of course Galactica just ROCKS!

I am feeling really anxious tonight and I can't figure out why. I am restless and stressed out. I have no idea what brought this on. Hmmmm... *shrug* I am also feeling really lonely tonight. As I sit here listening to my music and making mixed lists for the party we are going to have in September I am feeling really lonesome. So I am anxious about something, restless, and lonely. Not a good combination. Hopefully I will be able to sleep tonight. I probably shouldn't have had that last soda at 11pm this evening. I have 2 20 ounces earlier. So I am pretty wired. I just couldn't help myself. We went to the coffee house. Ack! Oh well at least I didn't get espresso or something. Then I would be up all night.

I found out that I lost my dress that I made. I think I left it at the hotel in Philly. :( So I have to call them on Monday and see if they have it. *fingers crossed* I have also been thinking of all the important things I have lost over the years. Like family photos, favorite clothes, books, cd's, all kinds of stuff just scattered to the winds. It really makes me sick thinking about it.

I don't want to be sick. I want to be normal and live normally. I want to earn a living with something that I enjoy doing and get off of disability. :( That's the only thing that is keeping me afloat right now though. Without it I couldn't pay my bills and I would be out on the street or in the hospital.

I had a dream the other night that I was in a group home. It scared the shit out of me. That is the place that I will have to go if I can't make my life work out as it is. It is a scary thought. Living with one crazy person is bad enough but to have to live in a housefull of them would be bad beyond words. The shelter was bad enough. And I was there for a year. Living with 30 other women and then 10 other women in the transitional housing. No privacy, always having to wait for someone else to be done eating or showering or going to the bathroom. It really made me appreciate my privacy. It also made me really good with my money. I realized that I had hit rock bottom, and I never want to be there again. Ever. I have learned to be self sufficient finally. It only took 28 years. Now the trick is maintaining this self sufficiency.

I am hanging on pretty good. But if I have another episode like last year I don't know what I am going to do. There is something to be said about proper medication and even ECT. I think it really helped. I am not sure I would have been able to pull out of the depression last year without it. At least not as quickly. I still have memory problems. I ran into a girl that I apparently know from the gaming shop and had no clue who she was. I felt so bad. I think I did a pretty good job of lying that I remembered her though. We talked for a while. I have the problem a lot. I forget names and faces all the time. I also apparently forget appointments and things like that. I have to write everything down. That is the only drawback that I can see though.

It's been a long road to where I am. I have been mentally ill all of my life. It has only been in the past 3 years that I have gotten help with it though. I have never been stable. So this new found stability is good. I am holding on to it really hard though. I mostly just get anxious and a little depressed these days. The days of crying all the time seem to be gone. Mostly I just get nostalgic and melancholy.

I am hoping to try school again in the spring. I think if I take like 2 classes I will be able to handle it. I have to get my GPA up so that I can transfer somewhere to get my degree in wither costuming of fashion design. I want to learn how to draft patterns. That is many years away though. For now I am learning from Karen and picking stuff up on my own. I bought a serger yesterday with the settlement money that I got. I also bought a bunch of fabric. I have a few projects in mind to make for Archon. A Space invaders patchwork dress, a paneled skirt with the gate address for Atlantis around the bottom, and a paneled skirt with the original star trek emblems around the bottom. I hope they turn out ok. I am really excited about all three. So I will be a busy bee over the next few months. Now if only I can get myself motivated to actually make them. Heh.

I started working on my website from which I hope to sell my clothing from someday. It is turning out really well so far. I am noticing a theme with my website lately though. Black and purple. Oh well it works. I like purple and black a lot. So I go with what works. I will keep you posted when it is up and running. I hope that by October I will have something to put up there. :)

Anywho... I am off to bed now. I feel loads better from getting things off my chest. Someday I will write down the whole story. But until then I am content to write it in pieces. Nighty night world. As my mother used to say: I go off to sleep in the arms of Morpheus.

Back Again...

Well I survived Philly. We got back on the 4th of July. The wedding was wonderful, and so was the reception. I got to see everyone and meet a few newcomers to the family. I managed to hold it together until Sunday, then I had an emotional crash. I feel really bad about that but it was to be expected. I just got overwhelmed.

I did get to have a Philly cheese steak and a couple of Philly soft pretzels. So all in all it was a good trip. Although I don't think I will be going anywhere anytime soon. I like being home.

I got a call from my lawyer this week. He said that I am getting my settlement from the accident that we were in 3 years ago. It's not much after doctor bills are paid from that accident but it is something. I am planning on buying a serger and some fabric so that I can make a few dresses for Archon this year. And of course I am going to save the rest for a rainy day. :)

I am really looking forward to getting my serger. I can finally start sewing for real. I think that will be good for me to turn out some clothing to sell at the con. The first one I want to make is the Space Invaders dress. I cant wait to see how it turns out. Of course I may not be able to part with it. LOL.

Ran and I had our first fight the other day. I came in from running errands, and said "Hi. Man, it's fucking hot out there." He just sat there looking at the TV like he didn't hear me. So I went into the back and dropped off my stuff in my room and came back out, and very quietly asked if he wasn't talking to me or something. He blew up at me. I am talking full out screaming. So I disappeared into the back and took a shower and cried a bit. Then I decided to write him a letter since he obviously couldn't talk to me. I basically told him that I wasn't trying to "bust his chops" as he so eloquently put it. I told him that we have to live together and that I was sorry if he is feeling bad and has been for weeks now but that didn't give him the right to take it out on me. I said some other stuff also, but I don't remember what all I wrote in the letter. So I wrote his name on the front and put to read it not to rip it up and came out and gave it to him. Then I went into my room and read for a while. When I came back out he apologized.

I know he is sick, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with him. I wish he could learn that we are here for him and that he is not alone. He doesn't have to go through life alone. I am seriously starting to regret moving in with him, but I know we can make this work. We have to make this work. And he has to understand that I have my problems also. Perhaps I am not as broken as he is, and I have some of the skills I need to deal with my illness, but I need to know that there are people there for me as well.

Maybe I should call this blog how to deal with depressed and psychotic people. I don't know that seems like all I write about. I guess that's not really true, but it is such a big part of my life. It's just nice to have somewhere to vent my emotions and thoughts. So bear with me folks.

Did I mention that it is hot as Hades in St. Louis now. Summer has come. And it is muggy and miserable. I want to move to Maine. LOL. Just kidding. I just hate this month long stretch that they call the "Dog Days of Summer". We still don't have and A/C unit for the living room so it has been a contest to see just how little we can move. For the most part I am in good spirits though. Meds must be working nicely. Ran on the other hand (as I mentioned before) is not dealing with the heat well. His temper has been running hot. I guess that's why he blew up the other day.

So I guess that pretty much brings up up to date. I am done bitching for the evening and I think I am going to go watch "History Of The World: Part I". Nighty night all.

Wow...

Two posts in the same week. That has to be a first. :P

I am leaving for Philly in 3 days. I am kind of nervous and excited all at the same time. My cousin Jen is getting married. I haven't seen the family for at least 6 years. The last time I talked to any of them was when I was in the hospital. My Aunt Judy called me to see how I was doing. I am looking forward to seeing everyone again. And it is a happy reunion with the wedding and all. :)

I really miss having family around. We have never been a close family, but before my aunt lived right down the street from us. When I was little we were over there all the time. Then the family split, and we didn't see them anymore. Recently they have gotten closer, but now we live 17 hours away.

A few years ago I would have done anything to move back east, but now my friends are here and so is my dad. Jason is thinking about moving back to LA. I will miss him very much. We have gotten really close over the last few years. But it is what he feels is best for him. So another one moves away. :( Good luck to him.

I would love to go back east. But on my disability I just can't afford it. St. Louis is nice and cheap to live in. I would have a closet in Philly for what we pay for a 2 bedroom apartment here. *sigh* Maybe I will find a nice rich man someday. LOL. Right. Or win the lottery. Of course if that happens I am moving to Ireland not Philly. :P

I have been noticing lately that I can express my mood with music. (not mine but other peoples) Like tonight it's "Boulevard Of Broken Dreams" by Green Day... Here are the Lyrics:

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah
Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I walk alone
I walk a...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...

I am feeling rather nostalgic and sentimental tonight. I guess it's because I am heading back east on Friday. I have been wondering what my old friends are up too these days. I have no way of getting ahold of any of them any more. Oh well. *sigh*

I need to get out more. Like Out Out... not just to my friend's houses to watch TV. I am really lonely.

After a long break...

Well we finally moved. All of my stuff got moved without a hitch on the 3rd of June. All that stress for nothing. Ran was the first person to show up that day. LOL. So we are sort of unpacked. Been putting it off. I figure we have the rest of our lives to unpack. Plus it's been too hot to do much of anything other than sit still in front of the TV.

I finally got an A/C unit for my bedroom. My dad and stepmom decided to get me an early birthday present. YAY! So at least I can sleep in the cool air at night. Waking up today was really nice. Now we just have to get a unit for the living room and we will be all set. Ran says he is going to see about buying one with this months paycheck. So hopefully that will work out. :) Would be nice to use the computer during the day again.

Mostly I watch TV all day and then go sit in the A/C at the coffee house downstairs. It is really convenient. And thanks to the owner and her musical tastes I have finally identified this song that makes me really happy to hear and really sad to hear. Yes kids its another song that I really identify with. (Not that there aren't hundreds of them) I have been trying to figure out who did this one for a while ever since I heard it on CSI. Turns out it is on the Shrek Soundtrack and it is sung by Rufus Wainwright and it was originally written by Leonard Cohen. The song is Hallelujah. Here are the lyrics. If you have never heard this version of it you should check it out. It makes me cry sometimes. (In a good way though).

Hallelujah

I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe I've been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you let me know
What's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you?
The holy dark was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above
And all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
Its a cold and its a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I also recently discovered a Romanian band called O-Zone. They are really cool. So far my favorite from them is called "Dragostea din tei". It is kind of club music. But it rocks! Definitely a must check out. The album is called "DiscO-Zone" and is available through Amazon as an import. They rock!

I finally got the rest of my Cure collection and Forty Licks from the Rolling Stones. I now have a copy of "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by the Stones. So I am very happy about that. The church organ version is on the Big Chill sountrack, but the song itself isn't on there. I now own everything that the Cure did studio wise. :) Music is awesome. I hope I can afford to buy a couple of more albums this coming month. I really want to get the Dead Milkmen and Janice Joplin's boxed set. Very expensive though. Hopefully I can find it used at Vintage Vinyl. I don't know if they will have Dead Milkmen. They weren't as big here as they were on the East Coast. We will see though.

Karen and I started working again. I have been cutting out Ren dresses all week. I can't wait to see them put together. We have a red and gold tapestry fabric with gold fabric accents for the sleeves and inset skirt. It is a dress like the one Dru Barrymore wore in Ever After. I think it is going to be gorgeous. We are doing a black goth empire waist dress with black mesh sleeves that have been embroidered with pink flowers and green vines. Also we are doing a Green Satin with black velvet roses, and Blue tapestry and light blue satin dress. I can't wait to see how they turn out. I will try to get pictures when they are done. We are cutting out tones of shirts for Archon and making mock corsets with just the ticking in all of the sizes we offer so that people have something to try on and then they can order them with the fabric of their choice. :) Gearing up for a busy summer.

Plus I still have to make Debbie's dress and my dad's shirt. I want to make patchwork curtains for the house as I can afford fabric. I want to make Space Invader curtains for the computer room and random patchwork curtains to the living room. Plus curtains for the rest of the house. Busy busy busy. :P Oh and another dress for my self. I solved the problem of not having a serger to finish the seams. Karen bought me a pair of pinking sheers which will keep my raw edges from fraying. I can't wait to get started. Just have to unpack in my room to clear some space. :P

My mood has been pretty stable lately. Not really depressed but not really happy either. About normal for me. I am thinking about getting a part time job. Just like 2 days a week somewhere to give me something to do. I just can't figure out where I want to work yet. Ideally I want to work in a fabric store, but none of them are accessible by bus. So I guess a gas station will do. No restaurant work for me, although there are tons around where we live. Too stressful. It's looking like 7-11 is going to be the place that I choose. Oh well it is something. :P

Well that brings us up to speed. :)

Moving Blues

I am so stressed out tonight about moving next week. My tummy is churning so bad over this whole thing. I have no idea if anyone is going to help next weekend. And I have no idea how we are going to do this by ourselves. I also found out that next weekend is the Pagan Picnic. I promised Karen months ago that I would work the booth with her. I never did get the date for it though. So it turns out that when I told her we had recruited her husband to help next week that the picnic is next weekend also. I have no idea what I am going to do. I have to have the utilities turned on at the other place next weekend and off here. Which means that I can't stay here. I am sick over this. I just don't know what to do. I have to move, and I have to help out. *this is the part where I cry*

I think I am just going to have to tell her that I have to move my stuff over there in the morning and that I can meet them there later in the day.

Well I just put out an email asking for help for Saturday so I guess I have made up my mind. I am moving instead of working. No choice. I feel better. I will help them on Sunday, and maybe Saturday afternoon if we get done in time. Sorry Karen. This is more important I think. Why do I still feel like crap? Cause I am felling guilty. It is part of my illness I guess. I always feel guilty when I have to go back on my word for something. God it hurts!

Did I say that I am stressed out? This whole thing is stressing me out. I don't deal well with stress. And now I have to worry about whether or not Ran is going to be able to get out of bed next Saturday and get over here to load up the truck. That is stressful to. He isn't always the most reliable person.

Ok I am just digging myself in further. I am going to stop while I am ahead and fall back on a tried and true destresser. That's right folks I am going to watch Dirty Dancing.

Night.